The Mistletoe
by dwparsnip
Summary: Just a small story about Christmas...at least it was. I have decided to go ahead and add to this story, explaining how Rick found out about Lisa's Christmas Eve in the bar.
1. Chapter 1

"Where is it, Rick?" came her extremely annoyed inquiry.

"How am I supposed to know what you did with it?" came his equally annoyed response.

Lisa Hayes shot the man she loved passionately a dirty look as she walked into the living room of their quarters and began looking through the boxes for the third time. _Or is it the fourth?_ she asked herself with a bubble of dark amusement.

The living room was nearly filled with boxes of all sizes, and it reminded her of a few months earlier when they moved into this smaller place in order to give Captain Irene James and her large family their more spacious quarters. The floor, the couch and both chairs all held boxes. Their contents had varied from Christmas tree ornaments to Christmas decorations to Christmas dishes. There was even one box that had in it the Christmas cards Lisa had accumulated over the last fifteen years or more. Rick called it being a pack rat. Max called it being sentimental. They were both right and they were both wrong. She didn't care.

Right now the only thing she cared about was getting the Christmas decorations up and the boxes put away before their guests arrived. Max, Miriya, Jean and Vince would be by soon. The tree was up and decorated and all the other decorations were up as well…except for the item she was currently searching for.

It had been with them since their very first Christmas together six years ago. It was special to her, and it was special to Rick as well. It was Rick who had bought it in a fit of romanticism a week before their first Christmas as a couple.

As she looked through the box she had in her hands, Rick walked past her in a rush. She noticed with a twinge of anger that he carried his gloves in his hands. A moment later that twinge of anger turned into a wave of anger as she saw that he was putting on his heavy coat and gloves.

"Where are you going, Rick?" she asked with undisguised disbelief. "They will be here any minute and we can barely walk around the living room!"

"Out," was the single word reply he uttered as he opened the door. He stepped outside into the falling snow and said tersely, "I won't be long."

Lisa was dumbfounded as she watched the door close behind him. She slowly looked around the disaster area that was their living room, and after surveying the clutter her eyes settled on the clock that rested on top of the television.

"Thirty minutes!" she exclaimed as she realized just how soon her friends would be arriving. As she started packing the smaller boxes inside the bigger ones to conserve storage space, her thoughts strayed from her work to that Christmas.

It had been their first together and Rick was intent on making it as special as he could, especially in light of how she had spent Christmas the year before. She still didn't know how he had found out about her night long foray into the bar that night after seeing him with Minmei in his house, and she didn't dare press the issue for fear of making him feel badly about it.

He had been bordering on being obsessive with the outside Christmas lights and decorations. Every light had to be perfectly placed and in sequence and by the time he had finished, the glow from the house was visible for miles around. A few nights before Christmas they had come home from an evening with Max and Miriya to find that one of the lights on the very top of the modular house had burned out. Lisa begged Rick to wait until the morning to replace the light, but he wouldn't hear tell of it. "I won't be able to sleep knowing the light is gone," he had told her.

As she carefully carried some of the boxes into the spare room she couldn't help but smile at the memory of Rick hanging off the ladder in the middle of the night, trying to reach a light bulb that was technically beyond his reach. The inevitable happened of course. He had reached too far, slipped and fallen head first into a hip deep snow bank. She thanked her guardian angel hundreds of times that the forecasters had been wrong that year. They had forecasted little snow for that winter, but they were wrong. Very wrong. It had actually been a very snowy winter, and because of the snow bank Rick was spared any serious injury. It had meant that she had to cuddle him and keep him warm for the rest of that night, but that was hardly an inconvenience for her.

Lisa walked back to the couch after carrying the last of the boxes into the spare room. She looked over to the table to make sure that Rick had put out the food, which he had, and then sat down and waited. She glanced at the clock and saw that she still had seventeen minutes before the Sterlings and the Grants showed up.

As she waited she thought again about their first Christmas. The day after the light incident he came home from work, walked over to her, put his hand above her and gave her a very intense kiss. She had nearly fallen to the floor when her knees slightly buckled…the kiss was so deep and passionate. The look of pleasant surprise on her face when he finally let her breathe must have spoke volumes because he smiled and held in front of her face the prettiest piece of mistletoe that she had ever seen. For the next few days he seemed to have the mistletoe with him at all times. Lisa would be folding the laundry and the mistletoe would appear out of nowhere, followed very closely by another knee bending kiss. Sometimes the mistletoe wouldn't even make it above her head, he would just swoop in and kiss her. Only as he walked away from her would she see through starry eyes that he had the mistletoe in his hands.

Lisa got up off of the couch and walked to the window. There was no sign of Rick or their company. She watched as the giant snowflakes fell slowly and randomly to the earth. There was a fair amount of snow down now, and she was beginning to wonder if they should postpone the whole thing. She pushed the thought away. This would be the only night for weeks that they would all be able to get together and it wasn't as though they had to travel far to get there.

As she stood there watching the snowfall, her mind drifted back to the mistletoe. For every Christmas since then Rick and the mistletoe were inseparable, even after it started to fall apart and Rick kept it together with glue and green wool. She never felt completely safe, but in a good way. She wasn't particularly fond of surprises, but there was something about the way that he could sneak up on her with that little thing in his hand and just take her breath away. It was the type of surprise she could most definitely live with.

It all ended this Christmas though; at least it wasn't the same. Somehow they had managed to lose the mistletoe, and neither of them liked it. Rick had become irritated and upset that they had managed to lose that special mistletoe. She hadn't realized how much he thought of it until he went through the decorations a few days ago and found almost everything but the mistletoe. When he couldn't find it, he was very upset. He was still nuts about the decorations and very supportive and loving, but the holiday kisses, while still intense and full of love, just weren't quite the same. She wouldn't complain though. For her, any kiss from Rick was magical enough.

She could see that it played on his mind though. She could live without the mistletoe, but she desperately wanted Rick back to himself.

Someone knocked on the door. She opened it to find a snow covered Max and Miriya on the other side.

"Get in here before you guys get buried in the stuff," said Lisa not all that jokingly. The snow was coming down harder than it had all night, and there seemed to be a lot more of it waiting to come down.

She had just put away Max and Miriya's coats when Jean and Vince arrived. She put away their coats as well and walked into the living room to see to her guests.

"All right guys," she said. "There is food and drink on the table. Go ahead and help yourselves."

As Max walked towards the table he asked, "Where's Rick, Lisa?"

As Lisa took a seat on the couch next to Miriya she responded, "I have no idea. He left half an hour ago and said he wouldn't be long. He shouldn't be too much longer."

On cue, the door opened and in walked Rick Hunter. He looked like the abominable snowman, and he screwed up his nose as Lisa and his friends shared a laugh at his expense.

Lisa got up and went to him. She was concerned about his emotional well being and his physical health, especially when she saw that his nose was so red that it glowed. He was out in the freezing cold doing only he knew what, and he was upset about the mistletoe.

She took his snow-covered coat and hung it up. As she turned back to him she ran right into one of the deepest and emotionally charged kisses she had ever received. It took a few seconds for her to get over the pleasant surprise, but once she did she gave as good as she got and gently put her arms around his neck in order to make sure he wouldn't be going anywhere.

Rick gently pushed Lisa back against the closet door and continued the kiss, steadily intensifying it until he could sense that she was wavering just a little.

He stopped the kiss, placed his forehead against hers and said a little breathlessly, "I love you."

Lisa had to wait a few seconds to catch her own breath before responding. "I love you, too."

From behind them they heard a familiar voice clear her throat and say, "Would you guys like us to leave?"

Without moving Rick replied, "No, Jean. I just need to tell Lisa something."

He lowered his voice so that only she could hear him. "I went to our old place and asked Irene if she found the mistletoe. Instead of answering my question she reached over and kissed my cheek. When I looked at her kind of funny she just looked up to the ceiling, and what should I see up there but our mistletoe. I was about to ask if I could have it back when her three little girls walked by and had to kiss my cheek because I was under their mistletoe."

He reached down and kissed Lisa again, softly and tenderly this time. He stopped and leaned back to look into her eyes, to let her see that what he was about to say was from his heart. "I was upset because the mistletoe reminded me of our first Christmas together, and how special it was. For some reason, I thought I needed the mistletoe for every Christmas to be as special as that one, but when I thought about it I realized that I don't need the mistletoe for Christmas to be special. Just being with you makes it special for me. I don't need the mistletoe to kiss you either. All I need to want to kiss you is to see your face, to hear your voice…all I need to want to kiss you, Lisa, is to wake up in the morning. I love you so much."

Just to emphasize what he was saying he leaned in again and covered her mouth with his in another electrically charged, spine tingling kiss.

Almost a minute went by before he forced himself to back away from her. "We should see to our guests." He held out his hand for her to take.

Lisa smiled as she took Rick's hand, and as he led her into the living room and to their friends, she once again marveled at the difference between Christmas with Rick and Christmas without him.

She sat down and Rick went to get her a glass of wine. As she took the wine Rick leaned down and gave her a quick kiss and stood up.

He made sure everyone else had a glass of wine then raised his own glass and said, "To the loves in our lives that keep us going. Merry Christmas, my friends."

Blue eyes locked onto green eyes as glasses were lifted and the chorus of "Merry Christmas" rang out, and as Rick and Lisa peered into each other's souls, nothing else mattered.

An hour and half later, just as the snow finally stopped falling, Lisa closed the door after saying good-bye to their guests and felt a tiny kiss on the back of her neck. Then another. Then another.

Her heart began to beat to a rhythm that only Rick had ever been able to orchestrate and she took a deep breath, moaning a little in blissful pleasure as she let the breath out. She turned around quickly and kissed him full on lips, taking a fair amount of pleasure in the surprise she saw on his face before she closed her eyes. After a few moments she stopped their kiss and looked into his eyes.

"Merry Christmas, you handsome devil," she said with a heart-warming smile.

"Merry Christmas to you, you gorgeous babe," said Rick with a rakish smile.

Before she could say anything else his lips found hers. This time as he intensified the kiss, he started to gently pull her towards the bedroom, leaving in their wake a trail of clothes from the door to their bed.

It was indeed, a very Merry Christmas.


	2. Chapter 2

Rick woke up on Christmas morning and thanked his maker that he was waking up next to the beautiful woman sleeping beside him.

He rolled over carefully to look at Lisa as she slept so peacefully and he couldn't help but smile at the sight. He glanced past her bare shoulder to the clock on her nightstand. They should have been up and getting ready by now, but he had neither the will to move away from the woman he loved so dearly nor the heart to wake her from such a peaceful slumber.

Lisa had been working so hard that she deserved every minute of rest and relaxation that he could give to her…though he really didn't feel like that during the night. After they came home from Vince and Jean's they decided to exchange gifts. They would be going to Max and Miriya's for the traditional turkey dinner later today.

Lisa gave Rick a vintage leather pilot hat, much like World War II pilots would have worn, complete with goggles and white scarf. He had wanted one for as long as she had known him, though she could never find one. Earlier in the year she visited an old family friend and he happened to have exactly what she was looking for. He gave it to her without asking for anything in return, and when she offered to pay for it he scoffed at her saying it belonged to someone who would appreciate it. Rick loved it.

Rick got for Lisa a set of emerald earrings, along with a gold necklace that held a small emerald pendant. It wasn't just any emerald color though. This shade of emerald was the absolute perfect match for Lisa's eyes. He had searched jewelry stores across the North American continent for the perfect color. Wherever he flew on tag along missions with the Skull, or wherever he had meetings he would find the time to look in the local jewelry stores. If he couldn't find the time he'd made the time…being an Admiral had its advantages after all. He finally found the set in a forgotten shop in old Montreal, just in time for Christmas. Lisa loved them.

After they gave each other their gifts, they cuddled together in their living room and watched the snow fall gently to the ground, wishing their lives could be as peaceful as the snowfall was.

It didn't take long for their bodies and souls to want more than to cuddle, and they willingly obliged. They went to bed early, yet they stayed up for most of the night. It was magical, as one would expect something as special as love to be on what was supposed to be a magical night. They had exhausted each other completely and had fallen asleep in a loving embrace.

He smiled again and carefully rolled over and got out of bed. He looked down to her and was relieved to find that she was still sleeping soundly. He took his clothes into the bathroom to get dressed and then went into the kitchen to get the little sparkplug that was coffee going. When it was ready a short time later, he poured up two mugs and placed them on the table.

_I really should go in and wake her,_ he thought grudgingly. He took a step towards their bedroom and stopped when the door opened from the inside.

"Good morning, beautiful," he said as Lisa walked towards him, her white terry cloth robe closed tightly around her waist and her pink bunny slippers flopping as she walked.

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as she walked to him, and when she reached him he put his arms around her and whispered, "Merry Christmas, baby."

She hugged him back. "Merry Christmas, Rick." She leaned back and then up to kiss him. When they broke the kiss a moment later she asked, "How long have you been up?"

Rick kissed her forehead and answered. "Long enough to get the coffee ready. You looked so peaceful that I didn't want to wake you."

"We're going to have to talk about this," she said as she cuddled her head against his shoulder. Before he could ask what she meant by that she continued. "Every time we do what we did last night, you get up before me. There must be something that I'm not doing right if you always have enough energy to wake up and get out of bed before I do."

Rick was only slightly surprised her statement. When they first got together, she would have had to pick him up off the floor if she said something like that. But after getting to know her, really know her, he had gotten used to the fact that not only did she have a terrific sense of humor, she could ride roughshod over him in a battle of sexual innuendo every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Then again, she steadfastly maintained that that part of her attitude was a direct result of his negative influence. He wasn't so sure about that. In fact he believed it might have been the other way around.

He cleared his throat and finally responded. "You do an exemplary job at…that…my love. I just love you so much that I have to wake up to watch you sleep, and then I feel obligated to fix you breakfast because you do such a great job at…that."

She looked up at him, her emerald eyes ablaze with love, and smiled a breath-taking smile. "That," she said before giving him a quick kiss, "was the best answer you could have come up with."

She began to move away from him, but he held onto her hand and pulled her back into his arms. "It's the truth, Lisa." He leaned down and kissed her. He was just about to deepen the kiss when a rather loud rumble interrupted them. He looked at Lisa. She looked back at him. After a second of hesitation both of them laughed.

After a minute of laughter, Rick took Lisa's hand and led her to her chair. She sat down and Rick said playfully, "I better get us something to eat before that rumble in your tummy turns into a eight point five in the Richter scale."

He laughed again as her cheeks became the color of a red rose, and as he turned to head into the kitchen all he heard from her was, "You rat!"

* * *

Rick stood in the bedroom doorway and watched as Lisa looked herself over in the full-length mirror on the bedroom wall. She seemed to be fussing with her dress. It was a little black sleeveless cocktail number that hugged her incredibly fit and curvaceous body, coming down to just above her knees. Her smooth and slender legs were perfect, as was the rest of her for that matter. The dress did a big time number on his self-control…not that he had a lot when it came to Lisa anyway.

She smoothed the dress down over her body for the third time since he had started watching her and he couldn't help but smile. Lisa was nothing if not a perfectionist when it came to her appearance, especially when she was wearing something that she didn't normally wear, like a sexy cocktail dress.

He still didn't know why she was wearing a dress like that for going to Max and Miriya's place. Sure they had agreed to dress up…he himself was wearing a light blue shirt with navy tie and blue blazer, but that dress was…well it was driving him crazy! He had asked her about it, but all she would say was that they had gone shopping together and picked out their dresses at the same time. They of course being Lisa, Miriya and Jean.

It was going to an interesting evening.

For the fourth time she smoothed the dress down over herself and Rick felt forced to take some sort of action to alleviate her baseless nitpicking. He walked up behind her and gently slipped his arms around her waist, settling his chin on her left shoulder as he did so. She only jumped slightly at his unannounced presence and when she found his eyes looking at her in the mirror she simply smiled radiantly at him. He was right on with the pendant and earrings- they were an absolute perfect match to her brilliant eyes.

"I didn't mean to startle you." He kissed her neck, once again grateful that she had her hair up for the evening. She responded to his kiss by tensing her body just enough to tempt him to go farther, but he knew that they were probably already going to be late if they didn't get going. Reluctantly, he settled his chin back onto her shoulder and found her eyes in the mirror.

"You look absolutely stunning." She cuddled into him and placed her arms on top of his, caressing his hands with her own. "I mean it Lisa. You are breathtakingly beautiful."

Lisa smiled a shy smile and said, "You look pretty good yourself, you handsome devil."

"Handsome devil," he repeated with a laugh. "That's me alright." He tightened his embrace around her waist and inwardly sighed, wondering if there was any possible way they could get out of going anywhere tonight except to the bed a couple of feet to their right.

"We really should get going," said Lisa, nearly sighing as she spoke and obviously reading his mind.

Rick just caught himself from emitting a very deep and pitiful moan. They were going to their best friend's house for dinner, as they had for the last few years on Christmas Day. Both Rick and Lisa felt themselves to be extremely blessed to have friends like the Sterlings and the Grants, and spending this special day with someone as close to them as they were was something for be savored, not maligned in any way. After all, not everyone these days had family to share the holidays with, or even close friends for that matter.

Rick placed one more kiss on the side of Lisa's neck and released her from his embrace. She immediately turned around to face him, and when she did she reached over and kissed him with a force that nearly took his breath away. For minutes, he lost track of everything but the feel of her lips and her body pressed against his, they kissed with a passion that would have embarrassed most people.

Rick was just about to say the hell with it all and really get serious when Lisa broke the kiss and stepped away from him. For a moment he just stood there, and when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror he nearly fell down with laughter. He probably would have but he was too wound up to move. In the mirror was his comical looking reflection, with it's arms held out as they were when he was holding her, and his lips still moving as though he were still kissing her.

She ignored the spectacle and walked past him towards the bedroom door. "That was just a little incentive to make sure you do your best to get us home as early as possible tonight."

He still couldn't move to verify it, but he knew she was smiling. She laughed naughtily and walked away from the door and he finally found it within himself to move. He lowered his arms and looked at himself in the mirror. "My negative influence my ass," he announced to his reflection, and though it was impossible he was sure it nodded in agreement with his sentiment.

* * *

When they arrived at the Sterling residence they found everyone else already there. Max and Vince were in the living room nursing a couple of drinks, apparently talking about everything they could except work. Max was wearing a stained apron over his shirt and tie that had written on it in big, bold, black letters: "Greatest Cook in the Universe." It was the way it usually went. Max was helping Miriya cook, and when company arrived he would abandon ship and let the ladies have all the fun. It wasn't a sexist thing he always said. Miriya wanted to cook and she wanted them to help, or more to the point she wanted someone other than him to help. Rick never could figure it out.

Lisa joined the ladies in the kitchen and Rick joined the men. As he sat down he asked, "Where are the kiddies?"

On cue came a crash from Dana's bedroom, followed immediately by the simultaneous cries of Dana and Bowie saying they were okay. All of the adults shared a laugh, and the idea of checking to see what had crashed left everyone's mind.

Rick joined Max and Vince's discussion about everything except work. They were just lamenting the loss of the traditional holiday sport season when a sudden burst of laughter was heard from the kitchen. All three men stopped and looked at the kitchen door, then to each other. Neither of them dared to ask them what it was all about, and going near the door was out of the question.

They shrugged it off and continued their conversation until Jean appeared in the kitchen doorway to proclaim that dinner was nearly ready and that the gentlemen should prepare to seat the children at the smaller table next to Max's chair.

Max and Vince went to get the two hyperactive youngsters as Rick pulled out their chairs for them. The place settings were already on the table, so Rick edged closer to the door to the kitchen and covertly pushed it open just enough to hear a snippet of the ladies' conversation.

"You look gorgeous, Lisa," said Jean, her voice filled with envy and awe.

"Thanks Jean…you're looking pretty good yourself." He wasn't sure if anyone else could hear it, but he was sure he heard relief in her voice.

"Indeed, Lisa," came Miriya's addition to the conversation. "I would wager that Rick went insane at the sight of you in that dress."

There was a smatter of laughter, followed by Lisa's voice saying, "All I will say, Miriya, is that the dress brought about the desired affect in Rick."

Rick narrowed his eyes in annoyance, though it faded instantly. He smiled as he let the door close silently.

"What did you hear, Rick?" whispered Max as he placed Dana gently in one of the two miniature chairs.

"Nothing I'd care to repeat, Max," said Rick with a wry grin, which turned into a full-fledged smile as Max laughed.

The door to the kitchen opened and the three beautiful and elegantly dressed women brought out the food. Rick stood looking at the sight, his jaw slack in amazement. It was the first he saw of Miriya and Jean, and to his surprise, though he shouldn't have been, they both looked stunning. They were wearing similar dresses to Lisa's…that is revealing and sexy. It was nice to see that he was not the only one trying to face down the beast of feminine flirting.

"Food looks great, eh Boss?" asked Max with a knowing smile and a not so subtle hint of humor in his voice. Vince's baritone laugh followed and then Rick had no choice but to join in.

When the food was all brought out there was hardly any room left on the table. The center of the display was a large golden brown turkey with all the traditional trimmings. _It's a by the book Christmas dinner,_ thought Rick as Max picked up his carving knife.

Max all but dove at the bird with a look as close to maniacal as Rick had ever seen on the blue-haired flying Ace, and with his goal firmly set it took Max no time to have the turkey carved to his specifications. When he finished he looked to Miriya who bobbed her head in a rather emphatic approval.

Max sat down and the feast began in earnest, with the conversation hovering between the topics of friends and work, though the talk of work items was light. The last thing any of them wanted to do was to get bogged down in shoptalk during the dinner…or even afterwards for that matter. A little over an hour later the men had the plates and dishes cleared away, and they all sat around the table with steaming cups of tea or coffee in front of them. They were complaining about how much they had eaten and speculating on what Dr. Lang was doing over Christmas when a rather loud and enthusiastic declaration interrupted.

"This is the best Christmas ever!" shouted Dana at the top of her young lungs. Bowie quickly seconded the sentiment and the adults could do nothing except shake their heads in wonder and have a laugh at the sheer joy of the children.

Bowie and Dana began to whisper, and after a moment Bowie looked to Vince. "Dad, may Dana and I be excused?"

Vince looked to Max and Miriya, who both nodded. Vince held up a warning right index finger. "Yes, but don't you two do anything like…just be good okay. It's Christmas."

The two children sauntered off with mumbled assurances that they'd behave and the adult table fell silent. After several moments, a soft voice was heard.

"I believe that the children are right," said Miriya in a subdued voice. She looked up and turned to look at each of them. "Sharing this day with so many who are so close to us makes it very special to me." She nodded as though reaffirming something to herself. "Yes," she said more forcefully, "the children are right. This is the best Christmas ever."

There were nods and murmurs of agreement from all quarters. Max reached over to kiss Miriya on her cheek; Vince reached next to him and held Jean's petit hand; and Rick slid his chair closer to Lisa so that he could put his arm around her. There was silence around the table once again as everyone got caught up in the warmth of the moment.

Rick tightened his embrace around Lisa's shoulder. They had shared some wonderful yuletide seasons together, but Miriya was right on…this was the best. He didn't know why. _Maybe,_ he thought, _just maybe it's the way it's supposed to be…it just keeps getting better. I hope so._

Lisa reached up to hold his hand when Vince said, "God knows there have been some terrible holidays for us."

Rick felt Lisa tense up under his arm and her hand tightened around his. Rick wasn't sure what the problem was, but seeing the concerned look on Max's face assured Rick that he wasn't imagining Lisa's distress.

"That's for sure," added Jean, unaware of the situation unfolding directly across from her. "It took time for Christmas to become remotely close to what it was before the war."

* * *

Max saw Lisa when she nearly jumped into Rick's arms at Vince's comment about bad holidays. More than that he saw the confusion and worry in Rick's eyes when she clung to him. It wasn't like Lisa to act that way around her friends. Sure she had loosened up and had even become a master at subtle flirting, which incidentally Rick enjoyed immensely, but she still tried to keep any negative feelings well hidden when they tried to surface.

After Jean spoke Max noticed Rick lean down and whisper something into Lisa's hair. She inclined her head slightly and said something to Rick. When she finished she lowered her head onto his shoulder again and Rick took on the air of someone who wanted the Earth to open him up and swallow him whole.

It was then that Rick looked to Max and mouthed a single word that brought understanding to Max in a flash.

* * *

"What's wrong, Lisa," whispered Rick. He was getting very concerned now by Lisa's actions.

Finally she looked up at him and tried to smile. "Nothing, Rick…I was just remembering my worst Christmas. I…" She lowered her head to his shoulder again and cuddled in tighter to him, as though she were trying to make sure that he was actually there.

_Her worst Christmas,_ he repeated, and suddenly he understood. It had become abundantly clear to him over the years when that worst Christmas was, though she never spoke about it at all. Just some odd comments and various reactions she made to the mention of a certain time was all it took for him to see it. He wasn't as dense as he looked sometimes. He looked to Max and mouthed the name of the bar that Lisa had spent Christmas Eve at just before Khyron's last attack, when she found out that Minmei was staying with him. 'Setup.'

Seemingly oblivious to everything that was going on between Lisa, Rick and Max, Miriya piped up. "I believe my worst Christmas was…"

"Miriya," interrupted Max, drawing an annoyed look from his wife. "This is a happy time, maybe we shouldn't be bringing up sad and hurtful memories. Let's enjoy the company of our friends and celebrate the wonderful time of year that it is." Miriya opened her mouth to respond, but Max had one more card to play. "Besides, we wouldn't want the children to hear any depressing talk today, would we?"

Miriya sat up a little straighter and looked towards the bedroom where the children had gone to play. "No Max, you're right. I'm sorry."

He reached over, took her hand in his and lifted it to his mouth, giving it a tender kiss. "No apologies necessary, my dear," for which he received a beautiful smile.

Max reached beyond his coffee and picked up his wine glass, which had been left on the table for just such an opportunity as this. He raised his glass and looked to his friends, saying in the most cheerful voice he could manage, "To the best Christmas ever."

To his delight and relief, Lisa sat up, picked up her own wine and returned Max's toast. He saw the grateful nod from Rick, and returned it with a wink.

"If you'll excuse me," announced Lisa, "I have to visit the little girl's room." She stood up and placed her left hand on Rick's shoulder, letting it slide along his back as she walked behind him.

When she glanced back towards him before disappearing down the hall he could see something that lifted his spirits a little: a teasing grin on her face. He looked to Jean and Vince who had taken up a conversation with Miriya about the finer points of stain removal from the children's clothes. Max had disappeared into the kitchen.

Rick excused himself and followed his friend inside. Max was waiting, leaned back against the counter with his arms folded thoughtfully across his chest. He looked up when Rick entered, and Rick took up station next to his friend so that they could speak quietly.

"Is she all right?" asked Max without delay.

"I don't know, Max. That's the first time I can remember her acting like that about Christmas." Rick shook his head. "I mean I know why she's upset, remembering that Christmas, but why would that come up now, after all this time?" He looked at Max and asked, "What do I do, Max? How do I handle this?"

Max turned to look at Rick. "I guess it still hurts her, Rick…maybe it always will. You should follow her lead on this."

Rick contemplated that for a moment, and then shook his head. "No, Max. I'll be the first to admit that Lisa is a very strong woman who can handle anything. And you're right that it's usually best to follow her lead, but sometimes I need to push. We need to talk about this."

"Rick," said Max warningly, "you were the one who never wanted to bring up this subject to Lisa. You didn't want her to ask you about your Christmas Eve and Minmei."

"And I still don't Max, but if talking about this is going to help her I don't have a choice, do I? It's going to hurt me, Max, but it doesn't matter." He looked to the door. "She deserves better than that."

Max smiled at the sensitivity displayed by Rick Hunter. It didn't happen often, the blockhead, but when it did it was something born out of a deep love, and it was something wonderful to behold. Max slapped Rick on the shoulder and said, "Well said, Boss." He walked towards the door and said over his shoulder, "Now let's see what we can do about getting you guys out of here so you can go home."

* * *

_Get a hold of yourself, Lisa!_ Lisa screamed to herself. She had managed to make it to the bathroom before the first tear fell, and she had also managed to regain enough control of her emotions to keep many more of them from trying to follow the leader.

_Six years,_ Lisa thought with amazement as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. _For six years you manage to bury the memory of that Christmas, only to break down at the mention of a worst Christmas._

It wasn't that she ever really thought about that Christmas and how horrible a time it had been for her. She never had a reason to remember, but Vince's comment about bad Christmases brought it all back in a rush. It was her worst Christmas without a doubt.

Rick knew, and from the look on Max's face so did he. She knew that Rick knew of that night in the Setup, but no one ever spoke of it. She was sure he felt guilty and bad enough about it, so much so that she didn't want to bring it up for fear of making him rehash those feelings.

There was another reason for her not wanting to bring up that Christmas however, and that reason was far from the considerate and protective ideals of the first reason. She didn't want to know about his Christmas. Her imagination had done more than enough damage in that regard. She always imagined Minmei waiting for him to come back from Khyron's Christmas Day attack to take him into her arms and…

She shook herself out of the thought. It never occurred to her that they would be able to talk about her night at the bar without talking about his time with Minmei…for her they were inexorably linked. Cause and effect.

She raised her tear-stained tissue to her right eye and gently dabbed away the last vestige of the tear that was there a moment earlier. _I've got to get back out there._

Lisa stood up straight and reflexively smoothed down her dress. She smiled as she remembered what Rick had said about her appearance and it gave her the just boost she needed.

She left the bathroom and walked into the living room just as Rick and Max exited the kitchen. Her eyes made contact with Rick's, and seeing the concern in his eyes made her go to him…nearly at a run. She hugged him tightly and his arms felt so reassuringly strong around her that she nearly forgot what brought on her malaise.

"Are you sure you have to go home now?" came Miriya's question.

Both Rick and Lisa looked over to see Vince, Jean and Bowie getting ready.

"I'm sorry, Miriya," said Jean as she put a wool hat on Bowie, who was decidedly vexed. "We have to go home and get some things ready for the trip to my cousin's place tomorrow."

Vince reached over and gave Miriya a warm hug, followed by a handshake for Max. "Thank you both for the wonderful time. We'll see you in a couple of days."

Rick and Lisa made their way over to the group. Lisa gave Vince, Jean and Bowie hugs, while Rick shook hands with Bowie and Vince, reserving a hug for Jean.

Vince took the doorknob in his massive hand and looked at his family. "Ready?"

Bowie opened his mouth to say something but Jean beat him to the punch. "Yes, dear. We're ready." She ignored Bowie's growl and gently pushed him out the door when Vince opened it. With a final wave Vince stepped out and closed the door behind him.

"We should probably head home, too," said Rick as he headed for the closet to retrieve their coats. He was incredibly thankful when Lisa looked at him appreciatively and said nothing to contradict him. He wasn't so lucky with Miriya.

"Rick it's still early," she stated seriously. "What could be so important that you two would rush home."

As Rick slipped Lisa's coat up over her arms Rick looked at Miriya, who misread his inability to answer the question as something else entirely.

"Oh," she said playfully. "I see. I hope you both have fun."

Rick looked at Lisa and she looked at him. After a moment they both turned to Max and Miriya and just smiled, only adding to her misconception.

After Lisa and Rick said their goodbyes to Max and Miriya, Lisa looked at Miriya and asked, "Where's Dana?"

Miriya screwed up her nose and announced scandalously, "Dana is sulking because Bowie had to leave."

Lisa, Rick and Max laughed, while Miriya tried to figure out what she said that was so funny. "It's not what you said, Miriya…it's how you said it." Max turned to Rick and Lisa. "We'll see you tomorrow, you two. Have a good night, huh?"

"We will," assured Lisa. "Thank you for…"

"Don't mention it," interrupted Max. "Now get out of here."

Rick laughed as he opened the door. Lisa stepped outside and Rick followed close behind. Max came to the door and whispered, "If you need…"

"Thanks Max. I'll let you know," said Rick quietly then rushed to open the car door for Lisa.

Max and Miriya stood in the open doorway until Rick drove the car out of sight, and then stepped inside. As Max closed the door, Miriya asked quietly, "Will Lisa be okay, Max?"

Max looked at his beautiful wife, confused as to what she meant. Miriya simply looked at him and waited for his response. When none was forthcoming she said, "I am not clueless, Max. I saw what happened."

Max put his arms around her and hugged her lovingly. "I know you're far from clueless, Miriya," he whispered into her ear. "And don't worry…they'll both be fine. I promise.


	3. Chapter 3

The drive home from the Sterling household was too short for any substantive conversation. Ordinarily they would have walked to Max and Miriya's, but the snow and bitter winds made it necessary for the car ride. For the entire three-minute drive Lisa looked out the passenger side window watching the wind whip around the snow that had already fallen. A quick glance towards the sky told her more of the white stuff was on the way and for reasons that escaped her, she recalled that the Christmas of 2013 was during a very mild winter with very little snow. That is until the day that Khyron destroyed the SDFs 1 and 2.

Rick constantly glanced over to check on Lisa. He didn't like the way this was heading, but he had made up his mind to make her talk about this. Get it out in the open once and for all…no matter how much the wound in his chest would open up because of it. The wound had been healing nicely, thanks to their unspoken agreement not to talk about it. It occurred to him that perhaps that was a mistake. Lisa had always told him that talking about it helped. When Roy died it was her mantra to him and Claudia. She was right, and he regretted now how he was too afraid to talk about something that would hurt, hoping that it would go away. He should have known better, and he should have known the longer they waited the more it would hurt them both.

He pulled the car into their driveway and got out to open the door for Lisa. She accepted the hand he offered with a small smile, and they hurried up the path to the door. Rick opened it and rushed into the warmth of their house

He took their coats and put them away. When he was finished he looked to where Lisa had gone. She was standing in the middle of their living room looking out the window. She hadn't even bothered to turn on the light, but he could see by the light filtering in through the window that she was hugging herself as though she were cold even though the house was more than comfortably warm.

He walked over to her and gently turned her to look at him. When her eyes met his the conversation began…their eyes telling each other that everything would be all right.

"Lisa…," began Rick, but Lisa cut him off.

"What do you know about that night, Rick?"

Her voice was barely above a whisper, and the shame and despair he could easily discern within it cut him to the deepest recesses of his soul. Her eyes were beginning to tear up, and the light glistened off the gathering water like diamonds.

Rick brought his right hand up to caress her cheek. She closed her eyes at his touch and the built up tears spilled down her cheeks. He gently wiped them away and answered her question. "Everything that happened at the Setup."

"Until the Setup closed," she said as though trying to get the timeline straight in her head.

He shook his head, and when she looked at him questioningly he elaborated. "I know everything that happened at the Setup, Lisa. From the time you got there until the time you left."

Her emerald eyes were wide with shock. "How? I mean…"

"Why don't we sit and I'll tell you everything." He took her hand and led her to the couch. She sat down first and Rick sat to her left. He was relieved when she cuddled into his side. He put his arm around her and began.

"It was May 6, 2014, and I was just getting ready to head out on patrol…"

* * *

"Hey Captain, did you hear the news?"

Captain Rick Hunter looked towards Commander Keith Monahan. The Tomahawk squadron commander was just coming in from what was being described as a more boring than usual patrol. More often than not, that meant that the next patrol was going to have a busier than usual patrol. That axiom was troubling for Rick…he was getting ready to lead the Skull on the next patrol.

Monahan was young for a Commander, and Rick always laughed when he thought of that…after all, wasn't he young to be a Captain? _A sign of the times,_ he told himself. The Earth had nearly been destroyed and once abundant populations of humans had been all but obliterated. People had to step up and fill the void, no matter the age. Besides, Monahan had proven that he had what it took to command a veritech squadron dozens of times. He was very good.

Rick picked up his red and white helmet and headed towards Monahan, who just happened to still be by near exit. When he reached the younger man, Rick replied to the query.

"It depends on what news you're talking about, Commander." Rick was a Captain after all, and leader of the Skull, which gave him a little more access to information and news than most others. Then of course, there was the widely known fact that he and Lisa were a couple. While Lisa wouldn't break any rules in regards to divulging classified material, even to him, there were some things that she knew before anyone else, and sometimes that meant that he knew before a lot of people. Rick was always careful when he got a question like the one Monahan asked. He couldn't know if it was a legitimate question or someone on a fishing expedition.

Monahan began to unzip his flight suit. "They're opening it downtown, next door to that sports shop on Main Street. I can't wait!"

Monahan sat down on a bench and began to take off his boots. Rick had no idea what he was talking about. Well, that wasn't entirely true. He knew where the sports shop was, but he was clueless about what was going next to it.

"They're putting what next to it, Keith?"

"The Setup, Rick. They're going to reopen the Setup!" Monahan leaned back and looked to the ceiling as he remembered what it was like to go there in New Macross. "Man, I really miss that place." He looked to Rick and smiled. "Sorry, sir. It's been a long day."

Rick laughed and patted Monahan on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Keith. When it opens I'll be right behind you to get in. I spent many hours in that place. Any idea when it's going to open up?"

Monahan shook his head. "All I heard was soon. Can't be soon enough for me though."

From outside the open door to the pilot's locker room Rick heard the voice of his best friend tell him that it was time to go. "I'll be right there, Max," he said loud enough for Max to hear. He turned to Monahan. "If you hear of when they're opening let me know will you, Keith? I'd appreciate it."

"Of course, Rick. You do the same."

Rick smiled and said, "Deal. See you later, Commander."

"Safe flying, Captain."

* * *

As luck would have it, or faith or karma or whatever one would want to call it, the patrol had gone without incident. As was the custom that had developed in the Skull, Max and Rick were the last to deplane and the last to head into the locker rooms. It was common for the both of them to hang near their planes as the flight crew descended upon Skull One and Skull Two, normally waiting to hear the flabbergasted utterances of the Chief as he sized up battle damage on the aircraft. When no such entertainment was forthcoming, they milled about watching the goings on or just chatted about whatever patrol or mission they had just come back from. Such was the case this time.

Finally they headed to the locker room. Just as they were about to enter, a voice stopped Rick in his tracks.

"Captain Hunter, sir," said the young female base communications officer. She walked up to the two men and saluted. After they returned her salute she looked to Rick and held out her hand which held a sealed envelope. "This is for you, sir…from Admiral Hayes."

Max saw the expression on his friend's face change several times in a very short span of time. First there was confusion etched on Rick's face at being stopped and approached by someone he obviously didn't know. Then there came a look of peace and love at the mention of Lisa's name, a feeling Max knew very well. It was the same for him when he heard Miriya's name. Finally, there flashed on Rick's face, and particularly in his normally carefree and lively eyes, a look of fear and uncertainty, and Max could understand why. In the time that Rick and Lisa had become a couple, it had become common for her to leave messages for Rick if anything happened or if their plans changed, which happened often as she was so busy. It wasn't even unusual for Lisa to be waiting for them to return from hard patrols or dangerous missions. But this was the first time that she had someone hand deliver a letter to him.

It was then that Max realized that no one was moving or speaking. In fact, the comm. officer still had her hand stretched out waiting for Rick to take the envelope. He looked to the comm. officer, who in turn was looking to Rick expectantly. He looked over to Rick who was looking at the envelope as though it were the harbinger of the apocalypse.

Max brought his right hand up to his mouth and coughed loudly into his hand. The desired effect was achieved and Rick shook himself out of his stupor, finally reaching over and relieving the young woman of her burden.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," was all that he said as he turned and went into the locker room.

Max nodded to the comm. officer and followed his friend inside. He found Rick on the bench by his locker, his elbows on his knees with his hands stretched out in front of him. In his left hand he held the still unopened envelope.

Rick looked at the envelope in his hand with a fear so deep that he didn't know it existed…a fear that perhaps Lisa had discovered that life with him wasn't at all that she had hoped it would be. He gently waved the envelope in the air, and when he heard Max shuffle his feet a short distance away, he tightened his grip on the letter. A whirlwind of thoughts roared through his mind…not all of them rational. _If she wanted to talk to me all she had to do was get the tower to patch it through. Maybe she didn't have time. Didn't have time…she's an Admiral. Why didn't she talk to me? What if she…_ That thought was unbearable. Even after such a short time together he couldn't imagine his life without her.

Max could read his friend pretty well. Rick wasn't as confident about some things as he let on. With flying for example, Rick was genuinely confident in his abilities. Whatever you saw in regards to his demeanor about that was the real deal. His exhibits of confidence in Lisa's feelings for him sat at the opposite end of the spectrum. He felt that he had royally screwed up and hurt Lisa badly, and because of that he always had in the back of his mind the idea that perhaps she would never get over it and leave him. Of course it was ludicrous. If only he could see that.

Rick forced himself to think. _Come on, Rick. Lisa loves you. She never had time to call and that's it. She had to leave in a hurry and couldn't wait._ He took a deep breath, sat up and carefully opened the envelope. He slid the note out and slowly unfolded the paper. Before his eyes focused on her elegant handwriting, he swallowed the lump that had grown instantly in his throat.

He read the note, finally, and as the words filtered though the haze of fear he began to feel a wave of relief wash through him. He looked to Max, who hadn't moved and reported the note's contents to him. "She had to leave Monument for a few days…she couldn't tell me where she was going though. Classified." The last word left a bitter taste in his mouth as he said it, and from the look on Max's face, Rick could see that Max knew just how he felt.

Rick let his body relax, unaware that he had been holding himself so rigidly in the first place. _I feel like an idiot,_ he mused. _Getting all worked up over a letter from a woman who loves me. I've known Lisa for years. I know better than to think that she'd leave me without talking to me, she's too honorable…too kind-hearted for that. _

"Oh well," said Rick resignedly, "looks like I'm on my own for a few days."

"You'll live, Boss," responded Max cheerfully, trying to bring some sort of levity to the situation. Rick and Lisa had barely been apart in the few months since Khyron's last attack, and Rick obviously didn't relish the thought of being without her for any amount of time. "Being a bachelor is like riding a bike…you never forget how to do it."

Rick looked at Max, and couldn't help but laugh at his tone of voice and the genuinely honest expression in his face. "How would you know, Max? You've been married for years."

Max shrugged his shoulders as he headed towards his own locker. "It's what I've been told by multiple sources," he responded finally, and joined in laughing with Rick a moment later.

* * *

Half an hour later Max looked to Rick as they strode through the parking lot of the Monument Base. "Need a lift home, Boss?"

It was getting late. Darkness had fallen and there was a very slight chill in the air, though it wasn't cold by any means. "No, but you can drop me off at the market. I was supposed to pick up a couple of things."

"Sure thing, Rick."

As they drove to the market, Rick was eerily quiet, and Max didn't like it one little bit. When he pulled the car into the parking lot, he took a shot. "Why don't you come to my place for a while, Rick? Dana loves it when you visit."

Rick smiled at his friend. "No thanks, Max. You haven't seen Miriya or Dana all day. Go home and be with them. I'm going to get what I need and stroll home, let the air knock me out." He opened the door and got out, leaning back inside when Max called to him.

"Are you sure you don't at least want me to wait for you, Rick?"

"Positive," responded Rick with an appreciative smile. "Go on. I'll see you tomorrow."

He closed the car door and headed into the market, waving when Max blew the horn.

Max sighed heavily and reluctantly drove the car off the parking lot. He really didn't like the idea of leaving Rick like that. Max knew what it was like after all, finally finding your soul mate and then having to be separated for a while…even a short while. It could be unbearable. Max remembered the empty feeling he had when Miriya had been questioned by the Intelligence staff aboard the SDF-1 after they got wind of who she was. Max had missed a patrol flight because he was going insane with worry and had a terrible empty feeling. He could only imagine what Rick was feeling right now. He and Lisa had been all but inseparable in the last few months, the only real exceptions being when he was on patrol or when she was in meetings, but both of those exceptions covered only a number of hours…not days.

_He'll be fine,_ he thought. _I'm sure I'll find him home tomorrow morning sleeping like a baby._

_

* * *

_It didn't take Rick long to get what he needed. He was in and out of the market in short order and taking the scenic route home. Walking in downtown Monument at this time of night was relaxing for Rick, and he and Lisa had done it a few times.

Rick thought about Lisa and his mind went over the words in her letter.

'My darling Rick. I have to leave Monument for a few days to take care of something that apparently only an Admiral can take care of. Where I'm going and what I'm doing is classified, but don't worry, it's nothing dangerous. I promise. I should be back in a few days, earlier if these Admiral's stars are worth anything at all. I will miss you, Rick. I love you. Lisa.'

He still couldn't get over the way he reacted to receiving the letter. For a time, a short time, he actually thought she might be leaving him. He shook his head at the thought as he turned the corner onto Main Street. He was still having feelings of doubt about his worthiness to receive the love of a woman like Lisa. No matter how much she loved him and despite Max's assurances that he was deserving of Lisa's affection, the doubt refused to die.

He was just about to moan her name aloud when he heard a small crash and a muffled curse ahead of him. He looked up and saw someone struggling with a rather bulky looking box. He ran up to the older man and laid his bags on the ground next to the building the man was trying to enter, and grabbed the box. "Let me help you with that, sir."

Rick took the weight of the box and though he couldn't see the man on the other side, he heard a most definitive sigh of relief. He heard a mumbled thank you and then heard the rattling of keys as the gentleman tried to unlock the door. Finally the door opened and Rick carefully took the box inside. He never really noticed where he was or what was in the box. Once inside the man tapped something and said, "You can put that here young man."

Rick did as he was told and gently placed the box on the table. _It's not table,_ he realized. _It's a bar!_

Rick straightened up and looked around. There were obvious signs of renovations and construction…pieces of wood, tools of all shapes and sizes, paint cans and ladders for example. He looked to the far wall and immediately recognized the booths and tables. It was a perfect replica. "It's the Setup!" he exclaimed loudly.

"Actually, Captain Hunter, it's the Setup II."

Rick whirled around to see who had spoken his name, even as he realized it was the voice of the older man. Finally Rick got a good look at him. He was an older man of average height with a slightly blocky build; upper middle age maybe, with a gray crop of short hair, complimented by a neatly trimmed beard and mustache…also gray in color.

Rick recognized him immediately and started walking towards him with his hand outstretched. When he reached the man, he vigorously shook Rick's hand. "How have you been, John? You look great!"

John smiled at Rick. "You're a terrible liar, Captain." He released Rick's hand and pointed to one of the stools in front of the bar. "Have a seat and I'll get you a drink."

Rick did as he was told and sat down. A moment later John placed a scotch on the rocks in front of him. As John poured a drink for himself, Rick thought about the man. He was the bartender/owner of the Setup in New Macross, though he had been the bartender of various establishments dating back to God knew when. He was a very good friend of Roy and Claudia, which is how he became a good friend to Lisa, Rick, Max and Miriya. He was a friendly man who never had a bad word to say about anyone. He was always full of humor and good spirits, and like all truly great bartenders he was always willing to listen and keep what he heard to himself. It's a big reason as to why the Setup was missed so much.

When John joined Rick both men held up their glasses in a salute. "To absent friends," said John solemnly, and both men took a gulp of their respective drinks.

Rick looked at the bartender and gave him a warm smile. "I'm glad to see that you made it through it all, John. Really glad. And the Setup II eh?"

"Thanks, Captain. I was relieved to hear that you made it too." He nodded his head in the direction of the tables and booths and said, "I salvaged what I could and rebuilt the rest. I missed it too much I guess."

Rick smiled again. No matter how much everyone asked, begged, and ordered John to call them by their first names, he never did. He always greeted them and addressed them by their ranks, out of respect he always said. He couldn't join the service himself, but he knew from listening to those he served at the bar that the military sacrificed more than enough for him and everyone to earn his respect.

"Yeah, I made it," said Rick. "A lot of us did, a lot of us didn't."

"That's the way it is with war, isn't it?" John shook his head and smiled. "I hope things are a little better these days, Captain. Still flying with Commander Sterling?"

Rick took a sip of his scotch and nodded. "Yep. I'm still leading the Skull and Max is number two. Miriya's in the squadron too, so they get to work out their shifts and such."

John nodded his understanding. "And how's the little fireball doing?"

Rick couldn't help but laugh at John's nickname for Dana. "Dana is doing very well. Growing like the proverbial weed and still a fireball."

John smiled and said, "That's great." He hesitated and tilted his head downward, but his eyes looked up to Rick. "And Captain Hayes?"

Rick felt himself smile at her name before he could even think about doing it. "She's great, John. She got promoted to Admiral and she's busy as hell."

"Good for her," said John affectionately, then hastened to add, "About the promotion I mean…not about being busy."

Rick nodded his head. "I know what you mean, John. She had to leave Monument for a few days. I don't know what to do with myself."

John looked confused and when he spoke his voice sounded it as well. "How do you mean, Captain?"

"We got together after…well, we got together."

John slapped the bar, causing Rick to jump on surprise, and began to laugh. "Well that deserves another drink!" he exclaimed as he reached for Rick's glass. A moment later it was refilled, as was John's and he held up his glass. "To you and Capt…I mean Admiral Hayes. I hope you have nothing but love and good times in your lives."

Rick mimicked John's gesture and took a sip from his glass. "Thanks, John. I really appreciate that, and I'm sure Lisa would too."

"So how'd it happen?" asked John a little excitedly, but when he asked the question he calmed himself and added, "That is if you don't mind me asking."

"Of course not, John," replied Rick truthfully. It was easy to talk to John. As a matter of fact John knew more about Rick's life in New Macross than anyone, with the exception of Max of course. Rick told John things that he hadn't even been able to tell Lisa, mostly because they involved her or Minmei…or both.

"The day of the attack," began Rick, "Admiral Gloval gave her command of the SDF-2, which meant that she would be leaving." Rick took a deep breath as he tried to suppress the shudder that ran through him at the thought of Lisa leaving. "She came to my place to say good bye, and she told me that she loved me." Rick smiled as he remembered those words coming from her sweet lips for the very first time. "She told me that and then she ran away from me, John, right into Khyron's attack. I thought…I thought I'd lost her in the blink of an eye, especially when I found her lying on the ground. But she was fine, and I admitted to her that I loved her too."

John's eyes opened wide, but he kept silent.

Rick noticed John's surprised look but forged ahead. "I went to my plane and she went to the SDF-2, then Khyron's ship fired on the SDF-2 and crippled her. I couldn't reach Lisa, and the ship started to sink." He felt the tears come to his eyes as he remembered the horrible sickness that enveloped him as he sat in Skull One, followed in short order by the dire thirst for revenge. He looked to John and could see that he understood. "Anyway, when it was all over, we went to each other, held each other, and have been together since. It took her leaving and the thought of losing her to make me see how much I love her."

"I'm very happy for you both, Captain," said the bartender softly. "I admit I never thought it would happen, especially after Christmas Eve."

John fell silent and Rick took a sip of his drink. As Rick placed his glass on the bar, his brows knitted together as he thought about what John said. _Christmas Eve?_ Rick asked himself. _What about Christmas Eve? What happened…Oh...Minmei._ It hit him like a Zentraedi boot to the midsection, which oddly enough he had some experience with. _But wait a second…_

"Captain…are you all right?" John became concerned that perhaps he said something that he shouldn't have, and a moment later his fears were confirmed.

"What are you talking about, John?" Rick leaned forward looked into the bartender's eyes. "What happened on Christmas Eve?"

John could see the need for the information in Rick's eyes, but still…how was he supposed to tell him what he'd witnessed? "It's nothing, Captain." He started to turn to refill his drink, which he was really beginning to feel that he would need.

Rick would have none of it however. He reached over and grabbed John's forearm, and when John looked at him again, Rick said a single word. "Please."

John could see the fear in the younger man's eyes. He nodded once and when Rick let go of his arm, he went about the task of refilling their drinks.

As John did that, Rick went over what he remembered. It still made him sick to his stomach every time he thought about that night. The jumble of feelings he had when Minmei asked him if she could stay; the death and destruction the next day; and the thing that hurt the most, the utterly destroyed look in Lisa's eyes when he talked to her. He never did ask what she did on Christmas Eve or after they both left the ship on Christmas Day…not out of a fear of hearing what she did, but more out of a fear of her asking him what he did. The flashes of memories reminding him of what he did for Christmas caused him to shudder.

He looked to John's back as the bartender fixed their drinks. _We were talking about Lisa and our getting together. He didn't think it would happen, especially after Christmas Eve. It has to do with Lisa, but what…?_ The thought vanished as John placed a drink in front of Rick and he noticed with a sense of foreboding that the drink was a double…straight up.

When he looked inquisitively at the bartender, John looked at him with sympathy in his eyes and said quietly, "I think you're going to need it, Captain."

Rick put his hand around the glass, more to keep his hand from shaking than needing a drink. A moment later John moved a stool over so that he could sit across from Rick.

John sat down and looked at Rick Hunter and sighed inwardly. He hated to be the one to do this. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "The only reason I'm telling you this, Captain, is that Capt…I mean Admiral Hayes is a very special lady. She apparently didn't tell you this, and I guess she has a good reason, but perhaps it's important that you know. But you have to promise me, Captain, that you will not let her know that you know what happened on Christmas Eve."

"Okay, John." Rick took a sip of his drink and just as he placed it back on the bar, John spoke again.

"Rick…you must promise me."

The use of his name brought Rick's fear and anxiety level to a place that it had never been before, not even when he thought Alaska Base had been destroyed with all hands or when he thought Lisa died on the SDF-2. A sickly feeling began to grow in his stomach. "I promise, John," he said sincerely.

Satisfied, John nodded and took a sip of his drink and began, "Last Christmas Eve started out like any other Christmas Eve…"


	4. Chapter 4

MsHayes: Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. I will always maintain that Rick and Lisa should be a loving couple. I don't have the heart to write them any other way…though I have come close once or twice.

SithKnight-Galen: Sorry, but I'm a sucker for writing cliffies. I hope you're not too disappointed, and thanks for the kind words.

GP: Thanks GP. 6 years…yep. Some things take that long, and if I do it right you'll see why no one wanted to talk about it.

Aiki: Hey there, Aiki. How are ya? I've been fine. Thank you…I think. I've found the time to write some more, but according to your reaction, I suspect you may be on the next plane up here after you read it…

* * *

The phone interrupted Rick as he was about to go into the details of John's conversation. He looked over at the phone with an annoyance he reserved for things like biting mosquitoes and scientists who refused to talk in plain English. He turned back to Lisa with the intention of ignoring the ringing and continuing with their conversation, but when he saw the melancholy smile on her beautiful face he stopped and knew he was about to get really annoyed.

"We have to answer it, Rick," she said half-heartedly. "It could be the base."

He cut off the string of curses he was ready to spew, stood up and walked over to the phone. As he picked up the receiver he saw Lisa stand up and head towards the bedroom. Her naturally graceful walk coupled with that tantalizingly snug dress was getting lost in the seriousness of the evening and that only added fuel to his irritation. "What!" he yelled into the receiver as a greeting to the caller.

Lisa made it to the door just as Rick yelled into the phone. She ducked inside before she could hear any of the conversation and put her left hand against the wall for support. She raised her right hand to her head and gently massaged her temple. She was shocked and a little hurt by the fact that he thought the letter she sent to him that day might have been a good-bye letter. She had no idea he was that insecure about how much he meant to her back then. _It's going to be a long night,_ she thought with some resignation as she walked to the closet.

Rick hung up the phone a few moments later and walked to the bedroom, loosening his tie as he went. It had seemed to get tighter and tighter by the moment after Vince's innocent comment sent Lisa into a pretty rotten funk. He stood in the doorway, much as he had done earlier that evening, and watched as Lisa hung her dress in her closet with great care. She had abandoned the dress for her favorite pair of pajamas, a nice set of flannel pajamas that she always maintained could go far in keeping her warm during the coldest winters. Its rose color also went well with the bunny slippers she loved to wear. She ran her hand down the dress as it hung there and sighed a small sigh. Her white robe was lying on the bed. He was pleased to see that she was still wearing her new earrings and necklace.

Rick walked into the room, and after he took off his tie he began to unbutton his shirt. "That was one of Lang's technicians wondering if I would be in tomorrow to take a look at the Beta specs. I told him I wouldn't be in." He took off his shirt and pulled a white t-shirt out of the drawer. He slipped it on over his head and hoped that it did to her tonight what it always did: make her laugh. Rick undid his pants, slipped them down so far and sat down on the bed, carefully avoiding sitting on her robe which would he had learned through experience was tantamount to sacrilege. He pulled them off the rest of the way and pulled on a pair of black sweat pants. He stood up and looked over to Lisa.

She reached down to pick up her robe, and as she slipped it on and did it up she said, "Rick, I don't want you to skip…" She looked up and broke out in hysterics. He stood there in front of her with that damned t-shirt on, and she couldn't help but laugh at the sight of it. It was a birthday present from Roy, which said a lot about it. It was a white t-shirt that had on it at chest level a solid black arrow that pointed straight up towards Rick's face. Underneath the arrow was a grapefruit sized RDF kite insignia, and below that in big, red, block letters were the words, "RDF Poster Boy." Lisa finally calmed down enough to finish tying her robe's belt, and when she completed that task she walked over to Rick and placed her flattened right hand against his chest, covering the arrow.

She looked at him with a small smile on her lips. "Thank you," she said to him. "I needed that."

He reached up, covered her hand with his right hand and gave it a loving squeeze. "You're welcome. You were saying?"

She looked confused for a second but then said, "I was saying that I don't want you to skip work for me."

"First of all," he said a calmly, "I want to be with you, which is reason enough for me to skip anything. Second, I'm not going in tomorrow because it's still the holidays. Third, Lang isn't even going to be there so what's the point? Fourth, the Beta specs aren't going anywhere so they can wait another day or two. Fifth, I want to be with you, which is reason enough for me to skip anything."

"You said that one twice," she said as she lowered her eyes to regard their combined hands resting against his chest.

Rick used his free hand to tilt her head up so that he could look into her eyes. "Then I must really mean that one."

She smiled and gently pulled him towards the door and out into the living room. They made their way hand in hand to the couch and when they reached it Lisa sat down. Rick released her hand to go in and make some tea. He didn't have to ask her if she wanted it…he just knew.

She looked in through the open kitchen door and wondered if they were doing the right thing by reopening these old wounds. They were together after all…in love and committed to each other. Why bring up the past like this? Why talk about one of the hardest times in her life? The answer was simple when she thought about it. Talking about it was the only way to ensure it would remain a part of their past…to ensure that it would never again be a cause for pain. She thought she had it conquered, the pain that went along with that night, or at the least buried deep enough to keep it from affecting her, but obviously she didn't.

And what about Rick? He had never brought up that night before now, though she was never sure why. Now however, he seemed determined to get it out in the open and deal with it. _Maybe it's just a sign of his maturity,_ she thought proudly. He had come a long way in the time since she fell in love with him. He had moved from being a brash, loud-mouthed pilot to being one of the most respected and competent flag officers of the fleet. His compassion for others had grown as well, and she often marveled at how more in tune with the feelings of others he could be.

Rick glanced out as he made the tea and found Lisa looking at him with a loving expression on her face. He smiled at her and mouthed the words, "I love you," and she mouthed the same words back to him. He put the finishing touches on their tea and carefully brought the cups out to the living room. He placed one cup in front of her, and as she reached over to pick it up he sat down next to her.

He placed his own cup on the coffee table and sat back, turning so that he could see her. She put the cup to her lips and took a careful sip of the hot liquid, and he could see her relax a little. Tea had an amazing affect on Lisa. Just the smallest amount made her relax and seem to take the edge off of whatever was bothering her.

She replaced the cup on the table and turned to face him. They were close enough to each other to hold hands, and in a sign that they had become more in tune with each other than even they had realized, they reached for each other's hand in unison. They sat there for a moment with their fingers interlaced, each of them reveling in the physical touch of the other.

"Lisa," he said uncertainly, "are you sure…"

"I'm sure," she said forcefully. Her tone left no room for debate, and to further show her determination she reminded him of where he was when they were interrupted. "You left off with John saying that it had started out as a typical Christmas Eve."

He looked into her eyes, searching for any sign of uncertainty or doubt. He found none. All he found was the love and strength that was at the core of Lisa Hayes, the love and strength that she blessed his life with everyday.

"Yes," said Rick finally, "a typical Christmas Eve…"

* * *

"Last Christmas Eve started out like any other Christmas Eve," said John. "It wasn't hectic but there was always something to do, someone to serve or someone to listen to. People were getting off work early to head home, whether home was around the block or out of town, and some of them stopped at the bar to have a drink with friends or coworkers. Like I said…typical."

Rick nodded his understanding. His hand hadn't left the double scotch. He was afraid to take it away for fear that he would begin tapping the bar in anxiety or revert to his childhood nervous habit of biting his fingernails. He didn't like the way John had started his story by making him promise not to tell Lisa. That was a bad sign if there ever was one.

John leaned forward and placed his elbows on the bar and folded his hands in front of him just in front of his drink. "It started to snow in the afternoon, so people were trying to get in and out pretty quickly, not wanting to get caught in case the weather got bad."

Rick nodded absently. The snow. It had started just as he began to walk across the tarmac after landing Skull One, and he remembered he'd thought of Lisa when it began to fall. He had been thinking of her a lot around that time, wondering if she was ever going to forgive him for going to see Minmei when he was supposed to go with her on their picnic. Rick felt something in his stomach, something like butterflies only much worse. He was beginning to think that maybe he wasn't ready for this. He took a sip of his scotch, afraid to drink too much of it too fast with his stomach already in a state of uneasy flux.

John saw the reflective look on Rick's face and gave the younger man a second to think. After that second he continued. "By the time it got dark there were only a few people in the bar." He let loose a little snort of laughter. "There was this one guy who came in, he looked like the abominable snowman. I can remember thinking he must have walked all the way from Monument. Anyway, the place was pretty quiet when Captain Hayes walked in."

John was truly touched by the light that seemed to shine in Rick's eyes at the mention of Lisa's name. _Yep, he loves her as much as she loved him back then._ John took a slug of his own drink and savored the feel of the liquid as it went down his dry throat. _Here we go,_ he thought.

"I knew something wasn't right the moment I saw her." John nodded seriously when Rick's eyes shot to his. "You see, Captain, usually when Captain Hayes came into the Setup she would stand just inside the door and scan the room. Sometimes she'd come in, come up to the bar, get a drink and go to one of the booths against the far wall as close to the door as she could get. She'd sit there and drink her drink quietly watching the goings on around her. When anyone approached her asking if she'd like some company she'd politely refuse it, although she did occasionally say yes."

Rick lowered his eyes to his drink. He wasn't sure what it was he felt about that until he heard what John had to say next.

"Yes, Captain…some of them were men." John was almost amused by the flare of jealousy in Rick's eyes. There was no way for the young man to hide it.

Rick lifted the glass to his mouth and took a palpable hit of the scotch. He was a fool when it came to Lisa. He'd long suspected it and now with those five words it was confirmed. Other men had seen the qualities in Lisa that he now saw in her, but unlike him it didn't take those guys a catastrophic event to make them see it. He had it right under his nose for years, and he never even had so much as a glimmer of a clue. He looked down at his hands as John continued.

"Other times she'd scan the room, and if it was a slow night she'd come up to the bar and have a seat on one of the stools. She always asked how I was and then we'd talk about whatever was going on out there…and about you." Rick looked at him again, this time with a look of surprise and shame in his eyes. "Yes, Captain…she spoke of you often. I'll wager I knew about your promotion to Captain before you did." Rick smiled ever so slightly at the comment and John grunted a little laugh. "She was as proud as a peacock when she told me that, Captain."

Rick slowly shook his head in disbelief at what he was hearing. Why couldn't he have seen it? Why couldn't he have shared in the pride she had in his accomplishments? Why couldn't he have seen her for more than he did?

"Of course other times, if the bar was crowded, she'd take a look and leave again." John's face easily showed the same sadness that resonated in his voice.

Rick opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out, not even so much as whisper. What could he say? As he again lifted the glass to his lips, he was very grateful that John had poured him a double. He drained the glass, and though John lifted an eyebrow at him in surprise, Rick was doubly grateful when the bartender reached for the bottle. John refilled the glass and placed it in the bar, and Rick took it as sign that more was coming. _Of course there has to be more,_ thought Rick his anxiety growing rapidly. _He hasn't even gotten to Christmas Eve yet._

John settled back onto his stool and sighed. "That night…Christmas Eve I mean…she opened the door and walked straight up to the bar. She sat to the left, put her purse on the bar and when she asked for her drink her voice was…very quiet. She wasn't her usual self at all." John reached up to scratch his forehead as he thought about that night. "Come to think of it, she never even said hello." He sighed, refilled his glass and took a sip. "It was the first time I'd seen her like it, Captain. It was plain to see that she'd been crying and she was upset."

Rick's grip around his glass tightened to the point where his hand started to shake, glass and all. He noted without care that he was in serious danger of crushing the glass in his hand. "What time was that, John?"

John leaned back for a second and thought back. He leaned forward again and put his hand on Rick's forearm, trying to calm him before he did shatter the glass, necessitating a trip to the emergency room at Monument General Hospital. When Rick relaxed he answered the question.

"I assumed she wasn't long off duty…she still had her uniform on. It was dark outside and the snow was still falling." John folded his arms across his chest and went on. "Shortly after dinner, I guess. When she sat down she took off her overcoat and placed it on her lap. She was so distant, and after her second drink she asked me to leave the bottle."

Rick didn't look up at the comment, he couldn't. The thought of Lisa coming by his house to wish him a Merry Christmas and ending up at the Setup drinking because of what she heard was tearing him up inside.

Rick remembered back to that night. He was in his house getting some tea ready. He had decided to forgo dinner…his situation with Lisa was playing havoc with his appetite. She was avoiding him like the plague. He had heard the TV report about Minmei being missing and then she was at his door. They'd talked and she had asked if she could stay and he said yes. _That was it! That was when Lisa was by. She said that she came by and the door was open…of course!_ Now that he thought hard about it, he remembered hearing something like a door click shut. He had even gone to check on the door to make sure it was closed. Lisa never elaborated about when she was by, but that had to be it. His shoulders slumped at the realization.

"Every time I asked her if she was okay she tried to smile and said she as fine…but it wasn't a smile. It was…I don't know how to explain it. It was the type of thing you would see from someone who just lost someone or something important to them."

Rick closed his eyes and resisted the urge to yell at himself. That was probably exactly how she had been feeling. Another slug of scotch burned his throat and he laid the glass back on the bar, his grip once again threatening to shatter the glass. He noted irritably that the scotch was doing nothing to numb the guilt and pain he was feeling at hearing the woman he loved hurting so much. He was beginning to wonder if he really wanted to hear this.

John seriously contemplated stopping his story. He could see that Rick was having trouble, real trouble, hearing about Lisa being in such a way. But it was too late to stop now, and he told the young man that he would tell him what he wanted to know.

"She was halfway though the bottle when she started singing."

This time Rick couldn't control what his eyes did. They slowly looked up to John and there must have been a look of incredulity on his face, for when John saw it he nodded, confirming that Rick heard what he thought he'd heard. Rick shook his head at the thought of Lisa being half drunk singing Christmas carols or something.

Wrong.

"Yep," confirmed John. "She started singing alright. Not loudly or anything. It was more to herself, though if you were close enough and really listened you could definitely pick out Minmei's songs."

Rick was shocked. "Minmei's songs? She was…singing Minmei's…oh Lisa." He brought his hands up and rubbed his eyes, trying in vain to help the alcohol to deaden his mind. He lowered his hands to the bar, picked up his drink and downed what was left. Much to his chagrin, John didn't refill the drink.

John watched as Rick drank what was left in the glass. His heart was aching for the poor guy, but he decided to wait a couple of minutes before filling the glass again…after all the worst was yet to come. "Minmei's songs, yes. She started out with 'We Will Win' and went through a few of them. She was singing 'My Time to Be a Star' when Commander Grant came in." John smiled as he remembered Claudia. He had known her, along with Roy Fokker, for many years. Theirs was story was almost as epic as Rick and Lisa's, though ultimately more tragic. He shook himself out of the thought and continued. "Anyway, Commander Grant went over to Captain Hayes and whispered something into her ear… I couldn't hear what it was, but what ever it was caused Captain Hayes to, well, to shed a few tears." John needed a sip of his drink for several reasons. One, his lips were dry and his throat was becoming scratchy. Second, the memories of seeing someone like Lisa Hayes in the shape she was in was more than a little unsettling, even to someone who saw that type of thing every night. Third, the haunted look in Rick Hunter's eyes was drilling into his heart.

He took the sip of scotch and cleared his throat. "The Captain whispered something back to her. All I can say for sure is that Commander Grant said something, kind of like she was repeating it to Captain Hayes to make sure she heard her right. I guess that's what it was, because a second later the Captain just nodded and downed what was left in her glass. It was the first time I had ever seen her do that."

Rick couldn't think of a word that accurately described his state of mind. Flabbergasted, stunned, shocked, floored, astonished and shattered were just a couple that flashed in his mind like a little electrical storm, but they didn't even come close. _Maybe some kind of mixture of some or all of them would come relatively close,_ he thought, suddenly a little tired. He couldn't tell if he was really tired, or if his mind was trying to tell him to start shutting some of it out, or if the scotch was finally beginning to work its little magic.

Rick had a pretty good idea how that part of the conversation went and his mind ran through the scenario. Claudia comes in and sees Lisa in the beginning of a drinking binge. She goes over and asks Lisa what was wrong, why is she so upset. Lisa tells Claudia that Minmei was at his house and she heard him tell Minmei that she could stay with him. Rick almost smiled when he thought of Claudia's eyes bulging open and asking with disgust if Lisa had said what she thought she said: Minmei!

John looked at Rick and knew he had it figured out. He nodded at Rick who bowed his head, in shame, regret or pain…he couldn't tell. Rick closed his eyes for a moment but opened them again when John continued.

"Captain Hayes poured up another drink and just sat there, looking ahead like…well, like there was nothing else for her in her life, if I had to describe it. Commander Grant sat down next to her and kept talking to her, but for a while Captain Hayes just sat there saying nothing, or very little."

"For a while?" asked Rick in a voice weakened by the tightening pain in his chest.

John gently twirled his glass and watched the scotch as it slowly swished around in the glass. "Yes Captain, for a while." He stopped playing with the glass and laid it back on the bar. "I've seen all kinds of drunk, Captain, as you might well imagine. I've seen people drink until liquor came out their nose and it barely made an impact on them, or it turned them into fools. I've seen people take one drink and fall flat on their face. I've seen people drink for a good time and I've seen people drink to try to dull the pain of some unbearable memory or event. But no matter what happened or why you drink, when you drink enough you change…one way or the other."

Rick understood what John was trying to say. Lisa was drinking to try to forget what she heard at his house and the pain that it caused her. In other words she was trying to forget him.

"Have you ever seen Captain Hayes drunk, Captain?"

The question caught Rick a little off guard. "Have I…what? Drunk? Lisa?" He ran over the hundreds… the thousands…of memories he had in his head of Lisa. He had seen her drink before certainly, but not over drink. The worst he had ever seen her was that night he went to get her at Claudia's. She was quiet and a little fidgety, but he wouldn't call it being drunk.

He looked at John and saw that the bartender was still waiting for an answer. "No, John. I never saw…no."

"I see," said John quietly. He had on a couple of occasions, usually at the times of the year when one was usually with family or with loved ones. "Captain Hayes was quiet, you see, and when she drank a lot she usually stayed quiet, though she'd become more…emotional. The same pattern was happening on Christmas Eve, but after a little while, oh and hour or so, Captain Hayes began to…how do I put this…well, Captain, she became more outgoing and…well…"

Rick could see the older man was struggling to say whatever was on his mind. While a part of Rick's mind registered the fact that that probably boded ill for him, the part of him that always wanted to help people kicked in. "It's okay, John," he said with an affection that caused John to look at him. "Please tell me."

John took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. When the breath was totally released, John tried again. "She became more outgoing, which as I said wasn't the norm, and she began to show an interest, romantic interest, in some of the other patrons…male patrons."

Rick felt the breath catch somewhere in his chest, and his heart felt like Hercules himself was squeezing the very life out of it. In an oddly imitating gesture, Rick began to squeeze his glass again.

"Commander Grant tried to get her to simmer down, but Captain Hayes could be pretty persistent if she wanted to be." John laughed and added, "But then again you'd know that more than most I guess. She'd have no part of it and she grabbed one guy as he walked past her, asked him if he was single and, well, she kissed him. Commander Grant jumped in and sent him packing before the poor bugger could even say a word, which didn't sit too well with Captain Hayes. She shouted at Commander Grant to leave her alone, but the Commander ignored her and sat next to her, talking quietly to her the whole time. I made it a point after that to stay as close to that side of the bar as I could." John sighed loudly and took a gulp of his scotch. When the liquid made its way down far enough for him to speak again he did. "She seemed to calm down a little and she was like that for the next couple of hours. Commander Grant never left her side."

John took a second to let that much filter into Rick's mind. "It was Christmas Eve so we were closing earlier than usual, though by that time there was only Captain Hayes, Commander Grant and four or five other people, including the guy she had kissed earlier."

Rick couldn't take much more. He released the glass and stood up. He turned around and walked to the center of the room, placed his hands behind his head and took a deep breath. As he released it he turned around to look at John.

The bartender was regarding him with an expression so full of sympathy that it made Rick want to go to him and tell him that he deserved no such thing. He wanted to tell John that that whole night was his fault. He'd driven her to tears. He'd driven her to the Setup that night. He'd driven her to drink. He was responsible. It was…then it dawned on him. John's look of sympathy wasn't for the distress that he was going through now listening to John, but for the fact that Rick thought it was his fault.

Rick walked back up to the bar and sat down on the stool again. He lowered his arms and placed both his arms heavily on the bar. He was about to reach for his glass when he realized that John still hadn't refilled it.

John was enough of a bartender to know when someone desperately needed a drink, and right about now he figured Rick Hunter fit that category as well as anyone could. He reached down, picked up the bottle of scotch and filled the glass. Instead of putting the bottle back under the bar, he put it on the bar in between them.

Rick reached over, picked up the glass and drank until it was half empty. He put the glass down and ran the back of his hand along his mouth to catch a drop that had somehow escaped. When he was satisfied with that he wrapped both his hands around the glass and waited.

"Anyway, I went over and told Commander Grant that I was going to close up, but that she and Captain Hayes could stay as long as they liked." The corners of John's mouth turned up as he remembered. "She thanked me and smiled. You know Commander Grant had one of the prettiest smiles I have ever seen. Well, I made the announcement and everyone started to move, except for the Captain and Commander. I just reached the door to be ready to lock it after everyone left when there was a…I don't know what to call it…yelp I guess, of surprise up by the bar. A lady had fallen as she got up out of one of the chairs. I rushed over and helped Commander Grant to help the young lady up. She was tipsy to say the least. Her friend, another lady came over and put her arm around her shoulder to keep her steady. I walked to the door and opened it, while the friend and Commander Grant helped the lady out. When they reached the door the lady's friend thanked us for our help and said she could take it from there, so we came back inside. The waitress already left so I locked the door. I just had it locked when I heard the Commander call out the Captain's name. Her voice was full of panic so I turned around to see what had happened."

Rick was leaning forward, his hands around his drink and hanging on every word. "What was wrong?" demanded Rick. John looked into Rick's eyes, and Rick could see nothing but darkness in John's gaze.

"Captain Hayes…she was gone."


	5. Chapter 5

"Gone?" asked Rick quietly. For a moment his heart went into over drive and his stomach took up residence somewhere near his ankles. Then however, he remembered that John was telling him what had happened months earlier and that Lisa was fine…she wasn't hurt, at least not that he knew of and she was safe. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to try to get his heart to slow down. When it finally did, he looked up to John. "She was…gone? Where'd she go? How did she…"

John held up his hands to try to get the young Captain to calm down. "Easy, Captain, easy. I said I'd tell you what happened that night and I will, but you've got to take it easy. The last thing we need is for Admiral Hayes to come back and find you in the hospital with a heart attack or something."

The soothing nature of John's voice, along with the impeccable logic of his words, brought Rick out of his little panic fit. Rick noticed for the first time that he had instinctively grabbed the edge of the bar with both his hands, gripping it with a force he was unaware he had within him. He also tried to figure out when it was that he stood up. He couldn't remember standing up. He managed to finally let go of the bar and reach behind him to pull the stool he was sitting on closer to the bar, but his right hand found nothing but air. He turned around and was surprised to see the stool lying on the floor. He reached down and put the seat where he needed it and sat down on it carefully. He rested his arms on the bar and reached for his drink. His hand was shaking and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get it to totally stop. He lifted the glass to his mouth, and in one motion tilted his head back quickly along with the glass, hoping that the rapid intake of alcohol would do something to quell his frayed nerves.

He brought his hand down heavily, placing the glass back on the bar with more force than he had intended. To his immense relief, the glass didn't break.

When Rick settled down, John took the bottle of scotch and refilled the glass. As he put the bottle back on the bar, he realized that there was a very real possibility that he would need another bottle…or two…before the night was out.

John took a deep breath and let it out as he talked. "As I said, Captain, I looked to where Captain Hayes was sitting and she wasn't there anymore. Her coat had fallen to the floor by her stool and her purse was still on the bar. Commander Grant was a couple of steps closer to the bar than I was. She froze for a moment and then bolted towards the bar. I was right behind her… well, that is I wasn't far behind her. I was a lot older than she was you know." John stopped for a moment, hoping that his attempt at humor wasn't as feeble as it sounded. The lack of any reaction from the young man was disheartening, but he knew that Rick had to be in an overwhelming sense of shock.

Truth be told, he was impressed with the way Rick was handling everything…so far. Lesser men would have lost control, lashed out at him or taken it out on the furniture. Lesser men wouldn't have been able to hear what they heard, much less sit there and wait for the rest. He had always respected Rick Hunter for what he did as a pilot, as an officer, but tonight Rick had earned John's respect as a man.

"Commander Grant stopped at the bar for only a second before she ran towards the ladies room to see if the Captain was in there. I looked around to make sure that, well, to make sure that she hadn't fallen down or anything like that. I checked behind the bar and all around the bar. I heard the Commander calling the Captain's name, but I never heard a response. I kept looking out in the bar area and went into the back to see if she had wandered back there. I saw something and called out to the Commander, who came running."

Rick was literally on the edge of his seat, or stool to be precise. Terrible images flashed in his mind, images like Lisa passed out on the floor, or Lisa doubled over in pain, or Lisa lying in a pool of …_Stop it!_ he screamed at himself. _Stop being so melodramatic, Hunter. Nothing serious happened to her. You saw her the next day for crying out loud. She was fine. Emotionally hurt but physically fine. _He sighed at that last thought. _What a stupid thing to think, Rick. You know that being hurt inside can be worse than being hurt outside. God knows you're hurting bad enough on the inside right now. _

John could see the anguish in Rick's eyes. "You see, Captain, the back door was open. It's locked when you're trying to get in from the outside, but for safety reasons it can be opened from the inside. We stood there looking at the wide open door and the small mound of snow that had already blown in and built up on the floor. I bet it would have looked comical to anyone who would have seen it. We turned at the same time to each other, then turned back to the door and ran towards it. We reached it at the same time and almost got jammed in the doorframe." John patted his slightly bulging belly as he said, "Luckily Commander Grant was thinner and more nimble than me." He placed both his hands on the bar and bowed his head. "We rushed outside and Commander Grant went one way while I went the other. It was still snowing heavily enough to cover any tracks she might have left." John raised his head to see the horror in the blue eyes of Rick Hunter. Rick reached for his drink, and John decided it was definitely time for a slug of his own. He took a healthy gulp from his glass and sat down, keeping the glass in his hand. When Rick turned his attention back to him, John continued.

"For half an hour we searched, but we couldn't find her…not even a sign as to where she could have gone." He raised the glass and drained what was in it. He placed the glass back on the bar and picked up the bottle. He poured its contents into his glass, annoyed that it only half filled the glass. "Hunh," he said with a hint of defiance, more to himself than to Rick. "There's plenty more where that came from." He got up and stepped to the back wall behind the bar. He had the numerous bottles arranged exactly as they had been at the Setup so that he could get what he needed blindfolded. He got another bottle of scotch and went back to his stool. He sat down heavily and opened the bottle. He topped up his drink and placed the bottle within easy reaching distance.

"Where was I?" he asked but before Rick could answer he remembered. "Half an hour with no sign of her, Captain. Commander Grant was, well she was terrified. It was easy to tell over the years that Captain Hayes and Commander Grant were more than friends, I mean I've seen sisters who weren't as close as those two." John folded his arms across his chest and sighed. "So we figured she was outside in heavy snow without her coat and any ID. Commander Grant decided to take another look out back and head around to the front through the alley to the left. I went around through the alley on the other side and checked the street. I looked in every direction but couldn't see her, or much of anything for that matter. Between the snow and the late hour the street was deserted. I walked up to the door and just unlocked it when Commander Grant arrived. The look on her face told me everything...she didn't find her. We were both covered in snow and shivering, so we decided to head in and get our coats. Neither of us was planning on giving up. I opened the door and stepped in, and that's when I saw her."

Rick straightened up a little on his stool and his eyes darted up to meet John's. _Saw her? Lisa?_

As if reading Rick's thoughts, John nodded. "She was sitting in the same stool that she had been sitting in earlier. She must have gotten back in through the back door when we were heading around to the front, or while we were looking for her. When Commander Grant saw what I saw she cursed…loudly." John shook his head slowly, and with a small smile on his face he added, "Such nasty words should never come out of a creature so beautiful."

Despite himself Rick smiled. He had seen Claudia at her best when it came to using those nasty words and those times were invariably when Roy was teasing her or something like that. He wanted to prod John into telling him what happened next, yell at John to get on with it and put him out of his misery, but he didn't dare. Every time he thought about opening his mouth, all that threatened to spill out was a pitiful moan of regret. He lifted what was quickly supplanting Max as his best friend, the glass of scotch, to his mouth and took a considerable gulp. As the liquor burned his throat, he tried to think how this could possibly not be his fault. He tried and tried, but in the end the effort was in vain.

Rick looked at the bartender and saw a sad and angry look clouding his eyes, which it seemed were looking at just about everywhere but at him. "John." When John looked at him Rick dug down deep and found the fortitude to ask the question. "What did you see?"

John looked down to the bar and took a deep breath. He looked up as he slowly released the breath and found Rick's eyes. "Like I said she was sitting at the bar, on the same stool as before. She had her back turned towards us, but she looked…I don't know, she looked different." John saw the look of confusion on Rick's face. "I know it sounds ridiculous. Captain Hayes was sitting with her back towards us, but there was something about the way she sat, the way she held herself." He paused to take a sip of his scotch, and Rick followed suit shortly thereafter.

Rick kept his right hand snugly around his new best friend and ran his free hand through his hair. The hand found its way to his neck where a considerable knot had formed. He tried to rub the kink out of his neck, but like his effort to rid himself of his responsibility for Lisa's pain he was unsuccessful.

John waited for Rick, and when Rick nodded for him to go on, John explained. "You see, Captain, she held herself straighter than she had earlier in the evening. She sat, well, she sat proudly on the stool, like she had accomplished something. Anyway we slowly walked towards her, not wanting to make any noise for fear of startling her, though she had to hear us come in and Commander Grant's curse. Her hair was soaked and she had it pulled around to rest on her right front shoulder. She never turned to look at us as we approached. All she did was just take a sip of her drink."

Rick drank what was left in his glass and put it back on the table. John reached for the bottle but Rick grabbed it off the bar first. He refilled the glass and put the bottle back on the bar, a little more roughly than he meant to, and closer to him than to John. _The booze is starting to get to me,_ he thought tiredly. He was no longer sure that that was what he wanted, especially when he realized that getting drunk wasn't doing what he had hoped it was going to do: dull the aching pain in his chest that came from holding himself responsible for Lisa's pain.

_Poor kid,_ was all that went through John's mind as he watched Rick pour up his drink. "Something else was different too…she wasn't singing anymore." At Rick's perplexed gaze John could only shake his head. "Not a note. Not a whisper. Nothing. Commander Grant and I looked at each other, but I could see that she didn't know exactly what to think any more than I did. I nodded for her to go ahead and go to the Captain. As she did I headed behind the bar and took out the coffee pot, figuring the Captain was going to need it."

Rick was nodding, and John was getting the urge to find the coffee pot for him too. After a moment of contemplating that, he turned the idea down. What he was about to tell the young Captain would go a long way towards sobering him up.

"I tried to stay out of the way and Commander Grant took a seat to Captain Hayes' left. She turned to look at her, but Captain Hayes never even acknowledged the Commander's presence. Finally Commander Grant spoke to Captain Hayes, and it went something like this…

* * *

"Lisa, honey, are you okay?" When Lisa didn't respond, Claudia shot John a quick glance and then tried again, a little louder but with the same gentleness. "Lisa, can you hear me?"

"Of course I can hear you, Claudia. You're sitting right next to me."

Lisa's voice was clear, confident and strong, not at all like the quiet and disheartened voice that came from her lips earlier that night. John thought she didn't seem to be as out of it as she had been.

It didn't escape Claudia's attention that while Lisa had responded to her question, she never looked up from her drink giving Claudia the distinct impression that Lisa didn't want to look at her for some reason. _Or maybe she can't,_ thought Claudia. Claudia put her right hand on Lisa's shoulder, causing Lisa to stiffen her entire body. "Lisa, are you okay? Where were you?"

Lisa took a sip from her glass and cleared her throat. "I…went outside…for some air," she answered hesitantly.

Claudia looked to John and he looked to her. Neither of them saw her out there. More than that both of them noticed with increasing alarm that Lisa still refused to answer whether or not she was okay.

"We were worried about you, Lisa. We looked for you out there, but we couldn't find you. Where did you go?" Claudia gently rubbed Lisa's shoulder, trying to show her that she could tell Claudia anything, and that she was going to be fine.

John noticed Lisa shudder when Claudia touched her, almost as if the touch sparked an electrical current in Lisa's body.

"I…went outside, that's all," answered Lisa a little harshly as she shrugged her shoulder to get Claudia to stop what she was doing.

Claudia withdrew her arm and sighed ever so slightly. She stood up purposefully and walked to the end of the bar. She turned the corner and walked with steady steps until she was in front of Lisa. Claudia reached over and took Lisa's face in her hands and forced Lisa to look at her.

Claudia almost stepped back at the blank look in her friend's usually vibrant eyes. "What is it Lisa?"

Lisa shook her head out of Claudia's hands and said angrily, "Nothing! I just want to be left alone."

Claudia put her hands on her hips and fixed Lisa with the best 'you've got to be kidding' look she could muster. "Not a chance," said Claudia, allowing a little anger of her own into her voice. "You scared the hell out of us, Lisa! The least you can do is tell us if you're okay."

"Why do you care?" asked Lisa harshly.

John could see that she regretted the words immediately, and it was confirmed a moment later when Lisa apologized.

"I'm sorry, Claudia, I didn't mean that." She took a deep breath and added, "I'm fine, Claudia." Lisa's voice was calm again…controlled and Claudia could see that it was taking a tremendous effort on Lisa's part to do it too. "I just went out to get a breath of fresh air, okay?"

John could see the suspicion on Claudia's face. It was easy to see that she wasn't buying Lisa's story. He watched the two women, looking back and forth between them. It was like watching the battle between an irresistible force and an immovable object. Claudia kept the pressure on Lisa with her stare, which John realized was more than formidable. Lisa on the other hand, never budged, taking whatever Claudia was giving her.

_Something isn't right,_ thought Claudia as she studied Lisa's appearance. Suddenly Claudia's hands dropped from her hips to hang limply by her side. Her mouth opened and closed as if she were trying to say something, though no sound could be heard. Finally, her jaw dropped and her mouth hung open in something akin to total astonishment.

John watched as Lisa looked to Claudia, and when Lisa saw the stunned look of realization on Claudia's face, her demeanor changed as well. Suddenly gone was the confidence she had displayed after coming back to the bar, and John saw a tear appear and make its way down her left cheek. She folded her hands together on the bar and looked down at them. As she looked down, avoiding Claudia's gaze, her shoulders began to slump.

Claudia leaned in towards Lisa and put her left hand on the bar. As her right hand reached across to touch Lisa's shirt she said quietly. "Lisa, your uniform…why is your tunic undone and your turtleneck inside out? How did…oh my God. Lisa?"

Lisa's head bowed an extra little bit in shame as Claudia continued. "Lisa…why? Who?" Lisa simply hung her head and looked at her hands. "Lisa, talk to me!" Claudia couldn't keep the shock out of her voice. "Lisa please!"

Lisa finally looked up at her friend. She brushed the hair away from her face and took a breath. "What do you want me to say, Claudia?" she asked resignedly. "What do you want to know?"

Claudia was at a loss to answer that question. She stood there with both her hands on the bar now, more for her own support than any attempt to intimidate Lisa. She felt like she could have fainted. Claudia didn't speak so Lisa began to talk to her.

John thought her voice was nearly robotic in speed and inflection, as though she were reading a mundane report to a room full of stuffed shirts.

"The answer to who is the guy I kissed earlier. When you and John were distracted I grabbed him and pulled him out the back door. He had his car in the back and we got inside. I kissed him hard and he kissed me back and…well, we went farther." The last three words were barely a whisper.

"In a car out back," repeated Claudia in disbelief. She wanted so badly to wake up from the nightmare this night had become.

Lisa nodded and said softly and with a hint of morbid amusement, "You passed by us twice." Lisa looked away from Claudia and back down at her hands, still neatly folded on the bar. "Why? I couldn't take the pain anymore and needed to forget it or replace it. Nothing was working, not work or liquor or anything else." She took a shaky breath and a few more tears made the downward trek from her eyes to her delicate jaw line. "I didn't know what else to do, Claudia. I've been craving attention from Rick for so long and not getting it that when that guy seemed interested, it made me want to feel…," she hesitated and swallowed the lump in her throat, "…something. Claudia, I wanted to feel something other than the pain and the heartache, even if it was only for a moment." Lisa made a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, followed by, "Is that so wrong?"

Tears were flowing down Claudia's cheeks as well. She couldn't believe what she was hearing from her best friend. She couldn't believe that Lisa Hayes would take a guy, a stranger, to his car and have…it killed her to think about it.

"I'm not proud of it, Claudia," continued Lisa in a whisper. "I'm not proud of it at all, but…," she paused as she picked up a napkin off the bar and wiped the tears from her eyes, "…but God help me for a moment, for a second, I forgot about Rick Hunter. And for that one second, I was happy and free." She placed the napkin on the bar even though her tears were still falling from her eyes. Her gaze fell to her glass again. She reached over and picked it up, slowly lifting it to her mouth. When the rim of the glass touched her bottom lip she closed her eyes and lowered the glass back to the bar without drinking any. She opened her eyes and regarded the glass for a moment and then resolutely pushed it away from her.

Claudia wiped away her own tears and walked slowly around the bar to stand next to Lisa. She looked down at her friend, her beloved friend who had helped her through so much, especially the darkest days of her life when Roy died. Claudia's heart was breaking and she didn't know how to help Lisa. She put her left hand on Lisa's shoulder, and her touch seemed to open the floodgate that Lisa had up to try keep her emotions in check. Claudia moved closer to Lisa and slid her arm over so that she could hug her.

Lisa cuddled her head against Claudia's chest and let it all go. Years of painfully unrequited love showed in the tears that Lisa cried. Years of unanswered prayers that Rick would see her for the woman that she was came out in the heart wrenching sobs that went with her tears. Years of keeping her feelings to herself came out in the way she threw her arms around Claudia and hugged her tightly.

All the while, years of friendship were seen in the tears that Claudia shed for her friend, and heard in the way she promised Lisa that it would all get better…

* * *

John wiped a tear out of his left eye with his index finger and looked at Rick. The young man was beyond devastated by what he had told him. _Of course he's devastated,_ thought John. _I would be too. Who wouldn't be?_

John refilled Rick's glass, as he had done twice as he told Rick about Lisa and Claudia's emotional conversation. Rick still held the glass with his right hand and his left hand sat limply on the bar near the glass. The young man had a glazed look in his eyes, and John had seen enough alcohol induced stupors to know that alcohol was not the primary cause for it, though Rick had had more than enough to sedate a small elephant. As he put the bottle back on the bar, he felt compelled to fill in the rest for the Captain.

"They stayed there like that for a time…a long time, hugging each other. Commander Grant cried silently while trying to reassure Captain Hayes…" John stopped when Rick winced at the mention of Lisa's name. When he was sure that Rick was okay he continued. "Captain Hayes, she cried so much. In between breaths and sobs she'd ask what she'd done or say that she was sorry." He paused to take a sip of his drink and went on. "By the time that Captain Hayes had calmed down, it was nearly two in the morning. Commander Grant took her to the washroom to get her straightened up so they could go home. She did a great job. When they came out half an hour later, Captain Hayes looked like she was ready to go on duty, though I knew she'd have a terrible headache later on."

John took a deep breath, waiting for Rick Hunter to react to what he had told him, but there was no reaction at all. "I had taken the liberty of calling a cab for them, a cabbie I knew personally and trusted to take care of them. He was waiting outside when they came out of the washroom. I walked them to the door and opened it for them, then went ahead to open the cab door for them. Captain Hayes turned to me and I held out my hand for her to shake. She just smiled and gave me the warmest hug I think I have ever felt. She whispered a thank you to me and kissed my cheek as she pulled back. She got in the cab and Commander Grant gave me a hug as well. She thanked me and I told her that if she or the Captain needed anything, they only had to call. Commander Grant thanked me again and then asked me to do her a favor. She asked me to never talk about that night with anyone. I promised and she got in the cab. A moment later I was standing outside the Setup all by myself." John grunted in disgust and added, "It was still bloody snowing."

John finished off the rest of his drink and sighed. "That was the last time I saw Commander Grant. She was a special lady for sure, always pleasant and kind hearted. I miss her. I kept my promise to her, until tonight that is. I figure she wouldn't mind you knowing now that you and Admiral Hayes are together." He watched as Rick just sat there, looking down at the bar with eyes that were clouded with anger, fear, pain and utter shock. "I haven't seen Admiral Hayes since then either. I kept an eye on them covertly, asking a few military people I trusted how they were doing, that is until the attack. When I heard Commander Grant didn't make it I…well, I didn't take it well." John noticed Rick close his eyes tightly. "Are you okay, Captain?"

Rick didn't hear John's question, he just tried to keep from wanting to go outside and let a bus run him over. He was so wrapped up in trying to control his anger that he never even felt the glass finally succumb to the intense pressure he had been exerting on it. In fact the only reason he knew that anything had happened at all was John jumped up, grabbed a clean towel and put it over his hand. He still hadn't realized what had happened even as John opened his hand and carefully started to remove the glass out of his hand. Rick slowly let his eyes drift down to his hand, only faintly aware of the stinging feeling of alcohol in the cuts in the palm of his hand, and totally dispassionate about seeing his own blood stain the towel.

John continued to clean up Rick's hand and Rick silently watched, not knowing what to say. It was all too much. It was just too much. His mind was such a jumble that he couldn't think clearly about anything. As soon as a thought would enter his mind and he'd try to focus on it another thought replaced it. It became a vicious cycle, with thought upon thought and feeling upon feeling overlapping, that finally reached its zenith when Rick's mind, fearing for his emotional health shut itself down. The last thing he remembered was closing his eyes and feeling his head fall forward.


	6. Chapter 6

Lisa looked down to their hands and remembered. Slowly, gently, as though his right hand still bore the wounds caused by the shattered glass, she turned his hand so that she could see the scars that remained. They were still visible and easily found. The longest one, a two-inch long scar that looked like the result of a clean cut, ran along the heel of his hand. The other noticeable blemish was an inch long scar situated half way between his thumb and index finger. It was a little more jagged, and now that she knew that glass had been responsible for causing it, she knew it had to have been extremely painful.

The fingers of her right hand traced the line of the longest scar with reverence, with the deference that he deserved. She'd caused it as far as she was concerned, as surely as if she had pushed the piece of glass into his palm with her own hand.

Her eyes were still focused on the scar and when she spoke to him, her voice as soft as a warm summer breeze. "You told me you hurt your hand working on Skull One." Indeed that was exactly what he had said when she came back from her trip. He never elaborated and she never thought to question it. There was nothing in his behavior or attitude that suggested anything was wrong much less that he knew about that night. He was his usual cheerful and incredibly romantic self.

Several teardrops fell onto their hands and her voice cracked when she added, "Rick, I'm so sorry…"

His right hand closed around hers with a swiftness that startled her and made her jump. "Stop it, Lisa. This wasn't your fault, not ..."

Suddenly Lisa released his hand and pulled her hand away from his. In one enchanting fluid motion Lisa was up off the couch and walking away from him. He jumped up and rushed to catch up to her, and when he did he gently took her arm and turned her towards him. He looked deeply into her eyes, ignoring the tears and sadness, and leaned in and kissed her. Slowly, he slipped his arms around her hourglass waist and held her as close to him as he could. He put everything he had into the kiss. All of the love he had for her, all of the appreciation he felt for having her in his life, all of the regret he felt over the way he hadtreated her in the past, all of his hopes for their future and all of the promises that they would get through whatever the universe would throw at them.

Nearly a minute into the kiss she had yet to respond to his lips pressing against hers, and he was starting to worry that perhaps he had said too much, that perhaps that night should have stayed where it was…in the past.

Lisa had been surprised by his kiss to say the least. He had just told her that he knew of her…indiscretion… on Christmas Eve. More than that, the injuries to his hand had been a result of her actions, whether he wanted to admit it to her or not. Her mind was going through everything that had happened, when a gentle squeeze around her waist made her realize that she had been a non-participant in the kiss. Finally she reached up and framed her hands around his face and returned his kiss, trying to show him how much she loved him, how much she needed him and how sorry she was for everything.

Another minute went by and Lisa, as much as she didn't want to, stopped their kiss and leaned back enough to look into Rick's eyes. "I love you," she said quietly, with a solemnity that reflected the seriousness of the topic they had been talking about. She cuddled her face into his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his neck in a gentle hug.

"I love you, too," was his equally reverent reply. "Are you okay?"

She leaned back, smiled and nodded. "Yes. I…I just feel so…," she looked into his eyes, "…ashamed at what…"

"Lisa…," he said as reassuringly as he could.

She smiled meekly as a tear slipped down her right cheek. "I need to tell you the rest, Rick, but I don't know…"

"You can tell me anything, Lisa. Nothing you say is going to change how I feel about you." He gave her another kiss, which to his delight and relief she returned immediately. When he looked at her again her eyes had in them a shadow that he had never seen before, a shadow of complete uncertainty. Sure he had seen her uncertain before, even nervous about a plan or course of action, but never like this. He had never seen her so absolutely unsure of herself.

He took her hand and guided her back to the couch, but when they got there her hand slipped away from his and she walked to the large living room window. Lisa folded her arms across her chest, trying not to show Rick just how cold she had become and watched the snowfall to the ground. She tried to gather her thoughts and the strength to tell Rick what she'd done and how she'd felt. She wasn't sure she had it in her.

She heard him come up behind her, and a moment later felt his arms slip around her waist. His hands locked in front of her and his chin rested on her right shoulder after giving her a kiss on her ear. Lisa moved her hands down to cover his and after a few seconds of his touch, she began to feel the cold that she had been feeling since she first thought of that Christmas lessen slightly, but only slightly._ Alright, Lisa…it's time. _

Lisa cuddled the side of her face against his and took a deep breath. She released it slowly, vaguely aware on some level that perhaps she were trying to delay the inevitable. "Everything that John told you was exactly as I remember it. Walking into the Setup, ordering a drink and then asking for him to leave the bottle. He was right…I never even said hello. I was so…," she laughed pitifully, "…lost I guess. I'm not even sure I knew where I was for a few minutes."

Her tears were flowing freely and she was happy that Rick couldn't see them, though she was sure that he knew she was crying. He always knew.

"Claudia came in a while later. She was shocked to see me I think. You see, before I came to see you I was with Claudia. We had talked and she had helped me to see that I wanted to see you. It wasn't really her idea as such, I mean she didn't actually come out and say that I should go and see you. She could really be subtle when she wanted to be." Rick and Lisa shared a small laugh at the concept of the usually straight forward, no holds barred Claudia Grant being subtle. "It was her way of showing me how serious she was about it, making me figure it out on my own with a little help."

She started to lovingly rub his hands as they rested on her stomach. "And I wanted to see you so badly. It hurt so much trying to avoid you, when all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around you and never let go." She said it so quietly she wasn't sure if he even heard her, but she knew he did when he cuddled closer into her back.

Lisa took a quick breath and smiled slightly. "Anyway, we were both in a cab and she got off downtown, and then I went to your place. Like I told you on Christmas Day, the door was open. I had the door handle in my hand and was about to pull it open when I heard…when I heard Minmei's voice asking you if she could stay." She turned around in his embrace and her eyes drifted up to his to see if she could read any emotion in his bright blue eyes. She found exactly what she expected to find: guilt. She nearly skipped over what happened next, but in that split second she decided that she needed to be totally honest with him now. She needed to tell him everything, the whole truth, for both their sakes. Her eyes remained focused on his and she continued. "When you said yes I ran away from your place as fast as I could, until I couldn't run anymore." She collapsed onto his chest much as she had done that day when she collapsed against the light pole and held onto it for dear life. "I was so tired and so upset, I stopped to catch my breath. A man asked me what was wrong and I told him to go away and leave me alone. He was only trying to help the poor guy."

Rick listened carefully to her words, but more importantly to the way she said them. She was tired he could tell. Listening to everything he had told her and worrying about it all was taking a lot out of her. Hell, it was doing a pretty good job on him too. He held her tightly, acutely aware of how she cuddled into him and how her voice was soft with painful memories.

"Let's sit back down on the couch," he suggested. When she looked up at him he smiled. "Come on."

He released her waist and took her hand. He guided her to the front of the couch and sat down with his back against the arm of the couch. She sat down next to him and leaned over onto him, putting her right hand on his chest and burying her face into his chest beside it. Her long hair flowed down along his chest like a blanket. Rick rested his chin gently on top of her head and wrapped his arms around her, hoping to give her a sense of security, hoping to show her that he was still there and that he wasn't going anywhere. He waited for her to find her own time to go on with her part of the story. He wouldn't push her, not now…not ever.

Lisa took a moment to savor the feeling of Rick against her. The only times she truly felt safe in the last few years was when he held her in his arms. When he did, nothing could harm her. She knew he was waiting, and she took another deep breath before continuing.

"To this day I'm not sure how I got to the Setup." She felt his embrace tighten in support, and she took strength from it, as she always had. "I…I have no idea. I guess I must have walked, because by the time I sat down on the bar stool I was pretty numb." She didn't have the heart to tell him that her inability to feel anything was more as a result of her emotional state rather than being physically cold.

Rick heard something in her voice, the same something he heard whenever she was trying to sugarcoat bad news, like a particularly devastating attack or some kind of delay in the mission. He only had to think for a millisecond to understand. She thought she had lost him forever…that he had essentially chosen to be with Minmei. He instinctively tightened his hold around her, hoping that in some miniscule way it would begin to make up for the anguish she suffered because of him. He opened his mouth to tell her how sorry he was, but he was interrupted when she took a very shaky breath and continued.

"I sat there in the bar going over what I had heard and what happened with our picnic, and it all just crashed down on me." She felt him wince at the mention of their ill-fated picnic, but forged on while she still had the wherewithal to do so. "I never really noticed any of the other people in the bar, but as I went through drink after drink I started to pay attention to some of the conversations going on around me."

She shivered against Rick's chest and he rubbed her arm out of reflex. After a moment he reached up on the back of the couch and pulled down the blanket they kept there for occasions such as these, when they cuddled together on the couch. He threw one end down towards her feet, and because of the enormous amount of practice he had at doing that, the blanket covered her perfectly.

"Thank you," she said quietly when he finished situating the blanket. Rick gave Lisa a kiss on the top of her head as a response. "There were a couple of guys sitting at a table close to the bar and they were talking about…about Minmei, naturally."

Rick raised his eyebrows, not so much in surprise at the fact that men were talking about Minmei, but more in awe at the sheer cruelty of it all. Even in the place where Lisa had gone to find refuge she couldn't escape Minmei.

Oblivious to the thoughts that Rick was having, Lisa went on. "I just couldn't escape her. I should have known better I suppose. I wanted to leave so badly and find somewhere, anywhere that I knew Minmei wouldn't be talked about, or mentioned, but the only place I knew of was home." She laughed against Rick's chest. "Home. I…didn't want to be by myself, as strange as it sounds. I needed to be around someone, just to know that I wasn't alone. I thought about trying to find Claudia, but she was supposed to be going to Vince's place in the morning, and I didn't want to interrupt her." Lisa closed her eyes for a moment to try to shut out the memory of those feelings of emptiness. "Anyway, I stayed and listened to the two guys. They were talking about how pretty she was, how talented she was and how they would like to…well, you know."

Rick was sure the color drained from his face. _What does she mean by that? Calm down, Rick._

"I just wanted to turn around and tell them about Minmei." She took a deep breath, and Rick was concerned to hear that it was another shaky breath. "I wanted to turn around and tell them that she was taken, that she had the most wonderful man looking after her, and that she quite possibly had it all."

Lisa wanted so badly to look up at Rick to see what she could possibly read in his eyes, to see what he was thinking and feeling. She resisted however, for she feared that the second she stopped and gave her attention to anything other than harnessing what strength she had for telling him how she felt, her strength would dissipate. Instead she listened to the beat of his heart against her ear. It had been slow and steady as she talked, except for when she mentioned those men talking about Minmei in the bar. His heart raced when she told him what they said, but it was only for a moment. She wasn't sure how to take that.

"I can remember laughing out loud, and I started listening to another conversation…a couple who were seated next to the two guys. They were obviously in love, talking about spending the Christmas together after they met their friends for a drink." Lisa sighed a sad sigh. "I don't know how many times in the span of a few minutes that they said how much they loved each other. Like I said, obviously in love. It wasn't long before their friends arrived and the mini party began. They all sounded so happy."

Rick didn't know what to say or what to do. In the end he tightened his hold around her and nuzzled his lips into her hair. He couldn't think of anything else.

"The party didn't last long though. Like John said, it was snowing and people wanted to get home…to their families." Lisa still felt chilled and she took the edge of the blanket and pulled in tight to her neck. "I was beginning to feel," she cleared her throat, "a little drunk, and that was when the waitress walked by me humming one of Minmei's songs. I remember thinking to myself that if you can't beat them join them. That's when I started singing."

Lisa waited to see if Rick had anything to say, which of course he didn't. She knew Rick well enough to know that he was probably speechless and didn't have a clue as to what to say to her…and that was fine with her. In fact, it was the way she wanted it. She had a hard enough time trying to get through telling him about her darkest night without hearing the pity that would undoubtedly be in his voice.

"When Claudia came in and came over to me, I…I was so…I was so depressed would probably be the best description. She asked me why I wasn't with you. She assumed, or probably hoped that you weren't home or something like that. When I told her that Minmei was with you, she was surprised, but I think that once she got over that initial shock she saw the inevitability of it. She sat down next to me and tried to get me to talk about it…"

* * *

"Lisa," said an obviously disturbed Claudia as she sat down, "he's not worth drinking yourself into oblivion. Lisa…talk to me."

_Don't you think I know that! _ she screamed in response, though the words echoed in her head instead of coming out of her mouth. She looked at a small piece of ice on the bar a few inches beyond her bottle and focused on it. She didn't dare turn to look at her friend…she couldn't bare to see the look of compassion that was most certainly in Claudia's blue eyes. Pity, mixed with frustration and anger probably.

"Lisa," whispered Claudia, "why don't we get out of here…go to your place or mine?"

Lisa kept her gaze on the ice on the bar as she picked up her glass and took a sip of her drink. Claudia kept talking, asking her to go home, how she was feeling…the usual questions that a very good friend would ask. All Lisa kept seeing in the little puddle of water that the ice had become over time was the face of Rick Hunter. As the seconds ticked away his face became blurry, morphing into an unrecognizable visage. She was finally reaching the point where the pain in her chest became a little bit easier to ignore, though it never totally went away.

Lisa picked up her glass and downed its contents, and when she poured up another drink she looked around, still studiously avoiding Claudia's gaze. Through the alcoholic haze she could see that there were only a few people in the bar besides her and Claudia, and for some reason that didn't seem to want to be pinned down, she noticed that the male to female ratio was 3 to 4…counting her and Claudia.

"Four women in this bar," mumbled Lisa mostly to herself, "and only three guys. That figures."

"What did you say, Lisa?" Lisa could tell by the shock factor in Claudia's voice that she knew very well what it was that she said.

She turned to regard her friend, a frustrated frown upon her brow and said, "I've counted…there are more women here than men. Cute men, but definitely not enough of them." Lisa didn't laugh at the way Claudia's eyebrows went up into her forehead…she giggled.

She turned around and her eyes studied each of the men in the bar. The same two men who were talking about Minmei earlier were still at the same table. They were handsome in an average sort of way, but she dismissed them immediately, if for no other reason that their bad taste in singers.

"He's good looking," she said loudly as she looked at the other guy. He was sitting by himself in a booth at the far end of the bar. He was cute, with shaggy dark hair and big blue eyes. He looked a lot like…

Lisa violently shook her head and looked away from the man before she saw the very person that she had been trying so hard to forget. _Face it, Lisa…you're not going to forget him. He's going to haunt you for the rest of your life and there's nothing you can do about it. You love him too much to let…_

The thought was cut off when the door to the men's room opened and the man to woman ratio became 4 to 4. He walked to the bar and waited for John to come over and serve him. As he waited patiently, he looked to Lisa and gave her a smile.

Before Lisa knew what she was doing she smiled back at him. He had longish blond hair that framed his face nicely and accentuated his bright green eyes. He was tall and, from what she could see through his tight fitting t-shirt, well built. His most redeeming quality though, was the fact that he looked nothing like Rick. Lisa felt her eyes bulge open in appreciation, even as the sober part of her mind tried desperately to regain control.

"Lisa, get a hold of yourself. Honey you don't need…" Claudia's remark was drowned out by something entirely different and of the opposing view. The pounding of Lisa's heart told her that maybe, just maybe she did need to do something.

Oblivious to the fact that Claudia was still talking to her, Lisa reached up and grabbed the guy as he started to walk back towards his seat. Lisa grabbed him so suddenly that he almost spilled his drink.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to make you waste your drink." He opened his mouth to say something, but Lisa wasn't in the mood to wait. "Are you seeing anyone?" she asked with a tinge of hopefulness in her voice.

He smiled and shook his head to indicate a negative, and before Lisa knew it, and despite Claudia's pleading outcry not to do it, Lisa pulled herself up and planted an extremely deep kiss on the guy.

The kiss was going very well as far as she was concerned, so when she felt someone pulling at her shoulders to tear her away from him, her anger surged past the failsafe point.

Claudia pulled her back onto the stool and simply looked at the man and pointed for him to go away, which he did much like a dog would with his tail between his legs.

"What did you do that for?" demanded Lisa.

Claudia was about to answer when Lisa interrupted with, "Why don't you just leave me alone?" Claudia sat back down on her stool and was about to say something when Lisa shouted, "Leave me alone!"

Lisa took a sip of her drink and was only vaguely aware of the fact that Claudia was talking to her. Lisa didn't hear a word of it, though Claudia's voice was in full-fledged calming mode. All Lisa could think about was what she could possibly do to forget about Rick Hunter, which was funny to her, thinking about a way to try to forget someone. If she was thinking about trying to forget him, she wasn't forgetting was she? It amused her.

Two more times in the next couple of hours the blond haired man came to the bar for a refill, and two more times he smiled at Lisa though that was all he did. Each time Claudia gave him a stare so threatening that it even impressed Lisa.

She had decided after she kissed him to limit her alcoholic intake, and while the fog in her mind was still present, it wasn't quite as bad as it had been. She was still probably legally drunk, but she was sober enough to keep her eyes open for an opportunity. John announced that the bar was closing and everyone started moving towards the door, except for her, Claudia and the blond haired guy. Instead he walked up to the bar and took out his wallet. He had just placed a couple of bills on the bar when Lisa heard a cry of surprise, followed in very short order by a resounding crash.

She turned to see Claudia get up and rush over to the commotion, and then turned back to the man. He too had begun to move towards the trouble spot, but for the second time that night Lisa grabbed the man and planted a kiss on his lips…a shorter one this time. She broke from him and gave the bar a quick look. Claudia and John were busy helping whoever had fallen. Lisa looked past the guy's shoulder to the back door and roughly pushed him towards it.

He started to say something, to protest the course that Lisa had set them on, but she stifled any words with another kiss. They brought up solid against the back door, causing Lisa's body to press up against his, and for the first time in what seemed like a long time her body wanted more. Her lips were still pressed against his as she reached behind him to open the door and they nearly fell out into the snow.

The blond haired man broke their kiss, looked at Lisa and pointed to a car. "My car is over there."

He barely had the sentence finished when she started pulling him towards the car. He opened the car door and she got in. He followed and barely had the door closed when she grabbed him and started pulling at his clothes. In between kisses he tried to tell her his name, only to hear from her the response, "I don't care."

Lisa and the blond haired man undressed each other hurriedly, pausing only when someone approached the car. Once the person, who Lisa identified as Claudia, moved away from the car, Lisa and the stranger began to make love in a mechanical fashion, void of passion and feeling. There were no words of comfort and no protestations of love. Most importantly for Lisa, and for him too she sensed, there were no promises of anything more or any strings.

Several times Lisa imagined what it would have been like if it were Rick she was with, even catching glimpses of him when she looked at the man…Rick's eyes, Rick's hair, Rick's lips. But even the thought of Rick Hunter was finally engulfed by the raw physicality of the moment. For one second, he was forgotten.

Lisa lid there in the back seat of a complete stranger's car, his hot breath beating against her neck, wondering just what she had done and how she had ever let it happen.

After a moment of gathering her wits, Lisa all but pushed the man off of her and started to dress. She paused once again as Claudia approached the car, continuing when Claudia walked away.

She never even bothered to do up her tunic, she was in such a rush to get out of the car and go anywhere else. She never said a word to the guy, her shame and regret finally seeping through the alcoholic fog in her mind. She opened the door, got out and closed it without looking back. She ran to the still open back door of the Setup and went inside, relieved to find no one there. She sat back down on her stool and took a sip of her drink. She tried to straighten her hair a little, finally settling for pulling her long locks around to rest on the right side of her chest. It was soaking wet, along with her tunic.

_What have I done?_ she asked herself. She shook her head and then it hit her. She'd done what she'd wanted to do. She'd done what she'd had to do to forget Rick, and it worked…for a moment.

She sat up straight in her stool, suddenly proud of that fact, even though a part of her realized that that pride was not something to be admired or celebrated. But still…

* * *

Lisa took a deep breath and released it against Rick's chest. The steadiness of his heartbeat kept her grounded, kept her focused on her story and without it she suspected she wouldn't have made it this far. What affected her more than anything was how his heart remained so steady, even as she told him how she had been with another man. Not even so much that, but she had been with someone else for the sole purpose of forgetting him.

He was taking it all too well.

As it had been for most of the evening, Lisa was unsure about what to do next. There was more to tell him, but she wasn't sure if she could…if he could. Lisa closed her eyes and wished that she could just fall asleep where she was, and wake up to find things as they had been that morning.

She opened her eyes and slowly sat up. Rick's hand reached down and took hers, for which she was genuinely happy. Finally she looked up into his eyes and saw the opposite of what she had expected. She had expected to see the pain of hearing her tell him her thoughts and feelings at that time. She had expected to see a sense of responsibility…guilt…for what he had done to make her feel so badly. But no, all she saw was understanding and support.

"Rick…"

"Ssshhhh," said Rick as he held a finger to her lips. "Before anything else, how are you? Are you okay?"

Her heart swelled with the loving and concerned tone of his voice. "I'm fine, Rick." She reached up with her right hand to stroke his cheek. "How are you?"

He smiled warmly. "I'm fine, too. A little thirsty…you want some more tea?"

Lisa thought for a second and said yes. She reluctantly let him up to go and get the tea and as he walked into the kitchen Lisa got up and moved to look out the window again. It was still snowing, which Lisa thought was poetically appropriate considering the snow that fell on that Christmas Eve. She sighed and whispered, "It's still snowing…"

Rick looked out the kitchen door as he stood over the stove and looked at Lisa as she looked out the window. _How can someone look so beautiful and so frightened at the same time?_ he wondered. He had known it was going to be tough for her, telling him these things, and that was more than verified by the way her body felt against his on the couch. Usually they just melted into each other to the point where an observer would have trouble telling where he ended and Lisa began, and vice versa. But tonight, she held herself so rigidly, she was so tense that it almost felt like a mannequin pressed up against him and not Lisa. His hand came up to a spot on his chest and he felt the fist sized tear stain that was a glaring reminder that the night so far had been very real, and that it was in fact the woman he loved so much crying against his chest. He looked down to the wet spot and closed his eyes.

He had shed a few of his own tears as well as she told him her feelings and what she had been thinking, though he hoped that she didn't know it. His head nearly exploded as the gravity of just how hurt she had been became easily apparent in her voice. He knew about it of course, and had time to deal with it and get over it. He had made his peace with what had happened…to a point. He would never forgive himself for treating someone he cared for so much so badly. He would never forgive himself for not seeing the love she had for him and he would never…never…forgive himself for putting Minmei before her, as he had during that Christmas. Still, he wasn't angry at what she had done. As far as he was concerned, he had no right to harbor any ill will towards Lisa or the guy she had been with. No right at all. He abrogated any rights when he had when he went to see Minmei instead of going on their picnic. That wasn't how he felt when he first found out of course, but he wised up with a little help.

He opened his eyes and looked down at the kettle on the stove, vaguely remembering the adage, 'a watched pot never boils', and tried to sort out these new feelings he was having. Hearing the details that he hadn't heard before from Lisa's lips, the guy and how she felt and what they did, was affecting him deeply. It was one thing to hear John tell him what had happened, after all it was from another person's point of view and void of any tangible insight into Lisa's thoughts and feelings, but to hear it from Lisa was something else. To hear her thoughts, her feelings and hear the regret and pain in her voice was killing him, not just because it brought to the surface his guilt, but it brought back some of the thoughts he had the night he found out, like how could she and what was she thinking. They were useless and inappropriate thoughts he knew and he dismissed them quickly, but he was human after all and they kept trying to come out. He vowed not to let them.

He jumped as he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, and when he looked to Lisa she had a mortified expression on her face.

"I'm sorry, Rick," she explained hurriedly. "I called out and you didn't answer me…I was…I'm sorry."

She turned to leave, but by then Rick had regained full use of his mental faculties and reached for her. He caught her hand and kept her there while he turned off the stove. When he did that he pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. "It's okay, Lisa. I didn't hear you call out…I was just lost in thought." He kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry."

A few minutes later they were sitting on the couch again, and Lisa took a sip of her tea. "Rick, I don't think we need…"

Taking a page out of her book from earlier in the evening, he reminded her where she let off. "You left off at you just got back into the Setup after…," he hesitated, trying to find the right words. He cursed himself for it when he saw Lisa swallow hard and lower her eyes to the floor. "…after you got out of the car," he finished quietly.

Rick reached over and took the teacup from her slightly trembling hands and after putting the cup on the coffee table, he moved over closer to her and held her hands in his.

She smiled and took a breath as she squeezed his hands lovingly. "Yes, back into the Setup. John was right, Claudia did curse loudly when they came in the front door. I didn't know what to say about it, so I hoped Claudia wouldn't see right through me and figure it out." Lisa laughed at the dubious look on Rick's face. "Yeah, I should have known better. The conversation went exactly as you described it…Claudia sat next to me and tried to get me to talk, then she went behind the bar and that's when she noticed that my shirt was…," Lisa didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything else about it. "Everything John told you about what Claudia and I said was what I remember." She looked into Rick's eyes, and for a moment she saw a deep shame in his eyes, but before she could really look it was gone.

"After we talked Claudia took me into the washroom and helped me to try to regain a little of my dignity. I washed my face in one of the sinks, and I," she looked down to their hands, "fixed my uniform. Claudia had a brush in her bag, and she brushed my hair. At that point I think I was more out of it than anything else. The alcohol was beginning to wear off and I was really starting to understand what I had done, not just to myself but also to the guy and Claudia. I remember we didn't say much. Every once in a while she would say something reassuring and calming, but I suppose she knew better than to try to have an intelligent conversation with me."

Lisa looked up to find Rick's eyes watching her intently, though softly. He smiled at her and she couldn't help but smile back. "We came out of the washroom and got into the cab like John told you. I wish I had done more to tell John how grateful I was for everything he did. I meant to go back and thank him properly, but between Khyron and the…the memories, I just couldn't." She shook her head as she spoke the last three words, causing the tears that had built up in her eyes to spill out.

Rick got up and moved to stand in front of her. He knelt down on both knees, gently put his arms around her waist and rested his left cheek against her chest. When he felt her arms go around his neck he whispered, "I love you, Lisa."

Lisa let the tears go and hugged Rick to her. "I love you too. But we're not finished yet…"


	7. Chapter 7

Rick got up and moved to stand in front of her. He knelt down on both knees, gently put his arms around her waist and rested his left cheek against her chest. When he felt her arms go around his neck he whispered, "I love you, Lisa."

Lisa let the tears go and hugged Rick to her. "I love you too. But we're not finished yet…"

Rick closed his eyes, and without moving away from her he replied, "No, I don't guess that we are." He kept his arms around her waist but leaned back so that she could see her face. "I just wanted you to know that I love you."

Lisa smiled and gently kissed Rick's forehead. "I know." She brought her hand down from his neck and patted the couch bedside her. "Come up here."

Rick smiled and did as he was told. When he was seated Lisa turned to him and he turned towards her. Seconds ticked by with an uneasy and eerie silence hovering between them.

Lisa said, "Maybe I should…" just as Rick said, "Maybe I should…"

They both stopped and shared an awkward laugh.

Lisa was worried at the way they were behaving. They suddenly seemed uncomfortable around each other. They hadn't even been this way when they first got together, and the thought that crashed into Lisa's mind was that Rick somehow looked at her differently. She tried to gauge his thoughts and feelings by looking into his eyes, but they unreadable to her. That scared her more than anything. She had been able to read his mood and see what he was feeling by looking into his eyes almost from the moment that they became close friends.

Rick reached over and took her hand in his. Her hand was frozen, her slender fingers as cold as icicles hanging down from the edge of the roof in wintertime. The last time he felt her hands so cold was after Khyron's last attack. She seemed to always be cold for a while after the attack, though she rarely complained.

He rubbed her hand, his protective instinct demanding that he try something to warm her up, but he knew that the only thing he could do was to finish what they had started here tonight…finish it so she could permanently heal the scars that still remained.

He looked down to her hand as he continued to try to massage some color and warmth into it. "Maybe…maybe I should finish the rest of my part of the story." He looked up to her and saw an appreciative look on her pale face. It was definitely taking a lot out of her.

Lisa sat back on the couch and once again turned to face Rick, who turned with her and never let go of her hand. He seemed to be a little more like himself, and now she could at least read something in his eyes. She could see that he was worried…about her.

Rick closed his eyes. "Where was I," he murmured. "Right." He opened his eyes and found Lisa looking at him expectantly. Everything he had told her so far, and was about to tell her, was brand new information to Lisa. He would have to take it slow and be ready for her reactions. He wasn't positive as to how she would react to what he was going to tell her, but it was time to find out.

"The glass broke in my hand and John took the glass out of it." The tears that suddenly appeared in her eyes at the mention of the glass in his hand, as well as the heart breaking look she cast towards his hand, was almost enough to make him stop and just throw his arms around her. "Everything went dark and my head fell towards the table. I honestly don't know what happened. I guess John must have caught me before I hit the table, or my head landed on my arm of something. I don't remember any pain or finding any lumps." He gave her a weak smile. "Regardless, I passed out a little. When I came to a little while later, we weren't alone…"

* * *

Rick opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling of…_Where the hell am I?_ he asked himself. He reached up to rub his head, encouraging the guy with the jackhammer to call it quits for the night. He slowly turned his head and noticed the bar. His eyes moved to the bottle on the bar and the night came back to him in a rush, almost like a movie going in super fast forward.

Flashes of light, and contained within the light were memories of what he had done that night and images his imagination conjured up to fill in the blanks. John told him what he knew, though some part of Rick's mind remembered that he never did describe the guy Lisa was…the man she…the guy. He moaned out loud and his mind's eye focused on one of the images. It seemed far off in the distance at first. It slowly moved towards him and the closer it got the better he could see the picture, and the image was beginning to make his stomach do things it had never done before.

Finally the image was right in front of him. His hands became iron fists and his stomach churned like the surf in a hurricane. As he studied the image and it burned itself into his soul he turned suddenly and hung his head over the side of the bench he was lying on, just in time to allow his stomach contents to introduce itself to the floor in an evacuation worthy of song. He coughed the last remnants of the vomit from his mouth and out of the corner of his eye he caught a scurry of activity. He wasn't sure if he had gone slightly deaf, if the alcohol was still affecting him or if those doing the scurrying were quiet in their movements, but he couldn't hear them. He could tell that there was more than one person, though for some reason he could only remember one person being with him earlier.

He looked back up to the ceiling and realized that he was lying on his back. His hearing was coming back and he could discern someone next to him, most likely cleaning up the little gift he just left him or her. He brought his hand up to cover his eyes, the light suddenly no longer his friend and instantly regretted doing so.

With his eyes closed the image that so disagreed with his stomach had carte blanche over him, and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't get it to go away or even fade.

The image of the woman he loved more than life itself making love to someone other than him was devastating. The realization that she had done just to spite him was heart shattering. "No," he moaned quietly, "not to spite me…to forget me."

The image stayed there in front of him and now that his senses were coming back it didn't matter if he tried to get rid of it or not, or if his eyes were opened or closed…the picture remained.

Suddenly the flashes started again and there were different versions of the same picture, or perhaps a better analogy would be different frames of the same movie. His imagination, as dulled as it was by a night of trying to dull the edge of the knife that was tearing into his heart with booze, was running in overdrive.

Rick pushed his hands against his eyes as he tried to stop the images, the nightmarish pictures from coming to him. But they didn't. They came in rapid succession, each one slamming into his chest like a bullet. He saw Lisa with the man, his long black hair flowing down and draping over her as they moved in unison. He could see his blue eyes holding hers in a devious attempt to show her the pretense of love and passion. And most of all, Rick could see that bloody arrogant smile that he always saw from him.

Without a description of the guy from John, Rick's mind decided to play a particularly nasty trick on him. It decided to pull someone from her recent past, and his too for that matter, that Lisa for a short time had felt drawn to. This man who was known to the both of them never gained her thoughts or affection on his own accord or merit, he never could. Rather he gained it by reminding her of a love long gone…her first love.

Kyle.

It was the image of Kyle being with Lisa that caused him to throw up and caused the anger to swell in his chest like a balloon. Or maybe it was just getting drunk. He couldn't tell.

_Wait a second,_ he thought as the world came back into focus after he removed his hands from his eyes. _Where the hell did Kyle come from? She would never sleep with Kyle, no matter how drunk she was or how mad she was. She hates…she wouldn't…it couldn't have been._

He sat up, barely, and looked to see John standing next to the booth he was lying in. The older man had a sympathetic look on his face.

"How are you doing there, Captain?" John spoke softly, knowing that Rick must have a pounding headache. When the young Captain had passed out John moved him to the booth and finished cleaning up his wounded hand. In his humble opinion the longer cut needed stitches. The smaller one too probably. He had the bucket and mop stationed by the booth as well, and his preparedness didn't go to waste.

John studied the look on Rick Hunter's face and nearly winced. He looked like he had fought the demons of hell in an apocalyptic battle…and lost. His skin had lost all color and was pasty looking, his eyes were lifeless and beads of sweat had formed on his forehead. He was in serious distress, which wasn't surprising considering what he had been told…and of course the scotch didn't help.

"I'll live," croaked Rick. He coughed to try to get the dryness out of his throat. It was then that he noticed a glass of water on the table. He took a very small sip of the water felt some relief along his parched throat. He bowed his head and started to rub his temples with his fingers. "I'm okay, John. Thanks."

"You don't look okay," chimed in a new voice, whose tone was divided equally between amusement and concern.

Rick's head jolted up towards the source of the voice and it instantly screamed in protest. His eyes opened and he saw the concerned face of Max Sterling. "Max?" asked Rick, not sure if the sight of Max was an alcohol induced apparition or if it truly was his best friend, his real best friend, standing next to John. "What the hell are you doing here, Max? What time is it? How long have I been out? And," he looked down to the bandage wrapped around his hand, "What happened to my hand?"

Max was relieved by Rick's tone if not by the questions. "In reverse order," he said lightly, "you apparently got in an argument with a glass. You won but it got the last laugh. You've been out for about three hours and it is now 0100 hours…give or take a few minutes." Max sat down on the bench opposite Rick and looked at him. "I'm here because John figured you could use a friend right about now."

Rick looked to John, but the anger he had for the bartender vanished instantly. Rick knew that John was worried about him and he couldn't fault him for that. Besides, he most definitely could use a friend right now. "Thanks, John. I don't know…"

"No thanks necessary, Captain," he said sincerely and with a large smile. "If you'll excuse me, I have to check on a few things." He pointed to Rick's hand added, "You should get that looked at, Captain."

Rick nodded and John turned and went out back. Rick looked to his hand and flexed it, instantly feeling a sharp pain at the action. He sighed and wondered how he was going to explain it to…_Lisa._

Max saw the pain come across Rick's face, and for some reason he suspected that it had nothing to do with the cuts on his hand. "We should head to the hospital and get that looked at, Boss." He figured it was a futile effort but he had to try.

Rick looked up at Max and shook his head. "It's…it'll be fine, Max." He took a deep breath, "I'm sorry for getting…"

"Don't worry about it, Rick," he said with a smile. "That's what friends do. And after what John told me, I think you could really use a friend don't you think?"

"John told…"

"He said he needed me to know what you had taken in," replied Max. "I think he was right, and he swore he wouldn't tell another soul. Said something about Claudia coming back to kick his butt or something like that."

Rick smiled at the mention of Claudia, but the smile didn't last long. "She slept with someone, Max. She just grabbed him in a bar and…she slept with him." He looked at his friend, and through the blue tint glasses Rick could see the same disbelief that he was sure was in his own. Rick folded his arms and placed his elbows on the table.

Suddenly wishing he had a degree in psychology, and a couch, Max asked, "And how do you feel about that, Rick?" Damn that sounded corny.

Rick looked at Max with his eyes narrowed. Max couldn't tell if it was in anger or thought.

"She grabbed someone, Max, a stranger. She grabbed him. She kissed him. She pushed him out of the bar and she made love with him." Rick ran his uninjured hand through his hair and let his arms fall down to rest beside his legs. "I'm saying it and, and I don't want…but I know it's…argh! I need a drink!"

Much to Max's relief Rick didn't get up to get one. He waited, his hands folded together on the table in front of him, with the patience that was part of the living legend of Max Sterling. He knew better than to try to talk some sense into Rick at this point in time. Besides the fact that he may have still been less than one hundred percent sober, he was shocked by the revelation of Lisa's Christmas Eve activities, or 'bloody shell-shocked' as John had put it over the phone. Best to just let him vent now so that he could think rationally about it later. Luckily Lisa wouldn't be home for at least a day, so they had a little time. Max just hoped that it would be enough.

Rick closed his eyes. "When I came to a minute ago all I could see was Lisa with him." He opened his eyes and looked back to Max. "I saw her with him and I saw the way she kissed him and the way he touched her." Rick swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to get his heart to calm down.

"John told me he had no idea who the guy was," said Max, intrigued by Rick's statement. "How do you…"

"I don't know either, Max," interrupted Rick. "When I pictured it I saw her with…well, with Kyle." As Max's eyes bulged open Rick explained. "I guess my mind picked the only guy I know of that Lisa ever showed any interest in…plus I hate Kyle which would fit with how I'd feel about the other guy. I don't know."

"So how much of what you're feeling now is because your mind pictured her with Kyle?" Max was pretty sure Freud would have approved.

"What?" asked Rick with some confusion. "None…I mean maybe a little…"

"But it wasn't Kyle, Rick. John said he didn't know the guy, but it's safe to say that he knows Kyle, or at least what he looks like. He would have known if it was him." Max leaned back. _So much for waiting patiently,_ he thought.

Rick took a moment to think about that. "I know," he conceded to Max. "But it still doesn't change the fact that she slept with someone…a stranger. John never mentioned that she seemed to know him, or even that Claudia knew him. Doesn't that make it worse?"

_It doesn't make it better,_ thought Max. Max found himself in the unenviable position of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand he understood where Rick was coming from. Lisa did something terribly unlike her and dangerous in many ways and on many levels. In a sense, it was inexcusable. That was the rock. The hard place was on the other end of the axis. The hard place realized Max, was that Rick brought it all on himself with his mishandling of the Minmei situation and the way he had treated Lisa.

Rick stood up and Max jumped up behind him, concerned that Rick would either fall flat on his face or head for the bar. In the end Rick did neither. He gingerly walked around and stopped by a table that had a box of posters on it. He absently picked through the posters as he spoke. "You know, Max, I don't know if I know her anymore. The Lisa I know and fell in love with would never do…"

Max watched Rick as he stopped sorting through the posters. Max began to worry when he saw that Rick's hand beginning to shake and Rick's head bow forward. Rick mumbled something that Max couldn't hear. "What was that, Rick?" Max grew more concerned when Rick's head fell forward a little more and he started to giggle. The giggle turned into a chuckle, which a moment later turned into a fit of full-scale laughter.

Max moved forward and put his right hand gently on Rick's left shoulder. "Rick?"

Rick turned to look at Max, and though he was still laughing tears were streaming out of his eyes.

Max was at a loss for words, but the look on his face must have asked the question that his mouth couldn't articulate. Rick moved a little to the right and let Max see into the box at the poster that he had stopped at. It was a poster of Minmei in a blue dress, her right arm raised high above her head and her left hand holding a microphone to her lips.

"Minmei," said Rick between the laugher. When his laughter calmed down a moment later he looked down to the poster. "It was because of Minmei wasn't it? Minmei came to my house and wanted to stay with me. That was why Lisa went to the Setup and why she felt she had to go and …." He stopped and rubbed his weary eyes with the thumb and index finger of his left hand.

_He's almost there,_ realized Max, and he was impressed by it. He figured it would take Rick hours to get this far along. Maybe one simply worded question would get him there totally.

"Rick," began Max carefully, "what exactly did **you** say to Minmei when she asked **you** if she could stay at **your** place?" He emphasized the necessary words to show Rick that he had a choice in all of this. Max didn't really hold Rick responsible…not entirely…there was after all plenty of guilt to go around. Rick, Minmei, Lisa and even their friends for letting them go on like it for so long. But Rick needed to realize that he did make choices and that those choices had consequences.

Rick blinked the last tears from his eyes and thought. "I don't know…I think it was something like 'I guess if you're sure you…'" Rick looked straight ahead and his stomach began doing the whole flip-flop thing again. Max's question, and his own answer made something inside his dense mind click with a startling and sickening realization. He repeated Max's question, emphasizing the same areas that he had. "What did **I** say when she asked **me** if she could stay at **my** place."

Rick turned to look at Max, and Max could see the horror on his friends face. _This is it,_ thought Max._ It just hit him that he could have avoided all of this. He had the power and he had the opportunity. He knows it's his fault._

As if to confirm Max's thoughts, Rick blurted out his realization. "Oh my God, Max. It's my fault. All of it. Me. I did this to her." Rick's knees buckled as the echoes of what he had heard earlier in the evening came back to him. He remembered John saying that she said she did it to forget him because he hurt her so much, that he seemed lost to her. What was it John said that she said? 'For a moment, for a second, I forgot about Rick Hunter.'

The room was starting to spin and Rick reached just in time for the table to keep him upright. A second later he felt Max's hands on his arms.

Rick's mind was spinning…along with the room. Questions raced through his mind at unimaginable speeds, questions like how could he do that to her, how could he hurt her so much, and why did she still love him. Most of them could be answered by the generic 'I'm an idiot' response, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out why she still loved him.

Max felt Rick get heavier in his arms, and fearing that his superior officer and best friend was going to pass out again, he reached for a nearby chair with his leg. He pulled it close enough to grab it with his hand and pushed it behind Rick, who settled down into it heavily. Max moved another chair over and placed in front of Rick, sitting down in it so that Rick could see that he wasn't alone.

Rick put his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, unable to face his friend any longer. "I knew I hurt her, Max," he began in a whisper. "I knew I hurt her time and time again. I've tried to make it up to her over these last few months and she seems happy, but how do I ever make that up to her?" Rick found the nerve to face Max again and he was thankful that when he looked up he saw the face of a true friend. "She loved me and I kept pushing her away, pushing her away, pushing her away, and it drove her to do…that. How in the name of everything that's holy do I deal with that? How?"

Max studied his friend before answering. His eyes were red and they had dark marks underneath them. His skin was pale and his lips were dry. The makeshift bandage that John salvaged from an old medical kit was red indicating the bleeding in his hand hadn't stopped, or at the very best only stopped recently. Most telling was the way his body was acting. His head was hanging low and his shoulders were slumped. Rick very seldom looked Max in the eyes, and when he did it was only for a brief moment.

"I don't know what to tell you, Rick," said Max truthfully. He had no idea what he could possibly say to help Rick get through this, but he had to try something. "You deal with it by getting over it. I'm going to be brutal for a minute, Rick, but you need to hear it." He ignored the desperate look that Rick gave him and forged ahead. "Why are you upset? Lisa was a big girl with a mind of her own. She made a choice, albeit a bad one, and she was lucky to not have suffered any major consequences." He added, _That we know of,_ to himself. "She dealt with a bad situation in a bad way. We've all done it…you did it tonight." Rick nodded slowly, and Max was happy to see that Rick was paying attention and what he was saying was getting through to his friend. "How you treated Lisa was, well, it could have been better. But Rick, you couldn't help how you felt any more than she could. If you had known that you were hurting her would you have done things differently?" Before Rick could answer Max went on. "Of course you would have. And that's how you deal with it. You didn't know so you couldn't do anything to help her."

"Ignorance is not a defense," said Rick softly.

"In law, no," conceded Max, "but affairs of the heart is hardly law. Rick, you and Lisa, you weren't a couple. At that time you weren't even sure how you felt about her. Be honest, is this about Lisa or about you extending your claim over her to that time? Retroactive love or something?"

"No, Max," replied Rick. "I mean no we weren't a couple and perhaps that should make me feel better about my behavior, but it doesn't. We were friends, Max…good friends, and at that time I was beginning to realize just how much she meant to me and my life. A friend was hurting and I didn't see it. All the times she was there for me, as a friend, even though she felt more and I couldn't see her pain to save my life. I can honestly say I don't know why she's with me now. I don't know why she puts up with me after everything I've done to her."

"Come on, Rick…it wasn't and isn't all bad." Max looked reflective for a second and then looked at Rick, who by the look of it was waiting for some kind of reassuring words from Max. "How many times did you save her life, Rick? I can think of quite a few. When the chips were down and she was in danger you were there for her. More than that, she was with you through some of the most difficult times of your life." Max watched as Rick realized what he was saying. "She saw you in your darkest hours, and during those times she saw you…the real, deep down Rick Hunter, and you know as well as anyone when you see that, it's hard to ignore."

Rick knew exactly what Max was saying. He saw the real Lisa Hayes on several occasions, and each time it affected him greatly. The first was during and after rescuing her from Mars Base Sara…that was the very first time he felt attracted to the old sourpuss and saw her as more than the First Officer. Another time was after Alaska Base…that was the first time he saw her totally distraught, without any of the barriers and without the controls she normally had in place. He held her and comforted her as best he could, and it was then that he knew he would willingly give his life for her, he would not hesitate to trade his life for hers…he would choose to do it for her. He would have done so before, but it was more out a sense of duty and obligation. After Alaska it was different. On the day of Khyron's last attack, he saw the real Lisa Hayes standing on his doorstep telling him she loved him and letting him go at the same time. That was when he realized just how much he loved her. Sure there are some who say that it was because he almost lost her, but they're wrong. No, he realized he loved her because he saw the raw essence of Lisa Hayes on his doorstep that day- the love, the caring, the strength and the beauty of her body and soul.

Max wasn't sure what Rick was thinking. "Maybe Rick, it's finally time to put the past behind you and look ahead. Don't forget the past and the mistakes you made…it's how you're going to learn and it's going to be motivation for treating her right from now on, as you have been since you got together with her. Just keep loving her, Rick. Love her with all of your heart and everything else will fall into place."

Rick looked to the floor, his elbows still resting on his knees and his hands folded together out in front of him. "I do love her, Max, more than I can tell you. But I'm never going to forgive myself for this, Max. I can't."

"You have to," said Max forcefully. Rick looked to him for clarification and he obliged. "You have to forgive yourself or it will come between you, and you know it. You have to tell her that you know too."

Rick sat up straight and shook his head wildly. "I can't, Max." Rick took a deep breath and leaned back in the chair. The fog was completely gone now and he could think clearly. The downside was his hand was killing him. "Don't get me wrong, Max," he whispered, "there's so much I want to know. I'm dying to know how she was feeling and what she was thinking." He felt a wave of despair wash over him as he allowed himself a second to think about it. He looked to Max and saw understanding in the eyes behind the glasses. "And I want to know who this guy is. I want to know how he treated her and if he didn't respect her I want to beat the crap out of him. But I won't ask her about. I can't hurt her again and bringing it up to her will do just that. She needs to do it."

"Even if it kills you?" asked Max, already knowing the answer.

Rick nodded solemnly. "Even if it kills me."

Max opened his mouth to argue but Rick was resolute, and he was filled with the confidence of knowing what he had to do. "She hasn't told me about that night and I don't know that I blame her. It had to be one the hardest times in her life, and if she's made her peace with it and moved on I'm not going to fool around with that. No, Max. If and when she ever needs or wants to talk about it, I will, and I'll be ready." Rick smiled a sad smile. "You're right, to a point, Max. Circumstances played a part in all of this, but I do blame myself for the pain and suffering Lisa went through and I always will. I could have and should have done things differently by her. That will haunt me forever."

Max noticed the change in Rick's voice and in his body language. Rick stood up and Max was happy to see that he didn't waver. In fact, he was completely sure of himself. "We should get you to a hospital, Rick. That hand needs to be stitched." When Rick didn't respond, Max added softly, "Lisa loves you, Rick, and you don't want her to come home and give you hell for not taking care of yourself." Max stood up and put his hand on Rick's shoulder again.

"You're right, Max…again." He looked around for John, but couldn't see him.

Max called out to John, who came out immediately. When Max told him that they were going to the hospital John was visibly relieved. He walked up to Rick and placed his hands on Rick's shoulders. "I'm sorry for telling you this, Captain. I should have known better."

Rick smiled at the bartender. "No, John. I know it doesn't look like it right now, but you did the right thing, and I'll never be able to thank you enough for it. It's something I needed to know. Maybe, just maybe now that I know what happened I can help her, and I can begin to try to make it up to her."

John smiled and looked the young Captain straight in the eyes. "I know she loves you, Captain. Never doubt it. And from the way you reacted tonight and the way you talk about her, it's easy for an old bartender to see that you love her too. You'll be fine."

Rick's smile grew and he patted the older man on the shoulder. "Thanks, John. For everything."

He turned and began to walk towards the door as Max said good-bye to John. He reached the door when he remembered something. He turned back to John. "How much do I owe you for the…"

"Your money is no good here, Captain," said John with an annoyed look on his face. "Now get out of here and get that hand fixed."

Rick laughed, went out the door and nearly tripped over the bag of groceries still miraculously where he had left them earlier that night. "I don't believe it," he muttered as he reached for the bag. He picked it up just as Max closed the door to the Setup II.

"Are those yours?" he asked.

Rick nodded and put them in the back seat of Max's car. He got in the front seat and Max started the car. As they passed the alley next to the new Setup, Rick turned to look out the window and for a moment, he saw a snowy night in New Macross and in the alley, he caught a glimpse of the woman he loved kissing someone else. He closed his eyes tight and willed the image away.

Unfortunately, the picture had other ideas.

* * *

Rick brought Lisa's hand up to his lips and gave it a soft kiss. He could see Lisa go through various feelings as he told her his story and it hurt him to see her go through it. The worry and guilt she felt when he told her about is hand hit him deeper than anything had up to that point in his life. When her face went pale at the mention of Kyle, and the implication of Riber, his heart froze in his chest. Hearing about him thinking about her with another man must have crushed her. Part of it was he realized, a sense of shame in what she did.

When he told her of his conversation with Max she appeared to take it well. He suspected that she tried very hard to keep from reacting too much when he told her how he and Max talked about his thoughts and feelings about their early relationship. She didn't want him to feel any worse than he did. She always thought about him first.

When he talked about what he felt and thought before he and Max left the bar brought a warm smile to her face, and caused her to flush ever so slightly. She had asked him once when it was that he fell in love with her and when he realized it. He gave her some sort of corny answer that both of them knew wasn't an answer to the questions, but they both let it go. Now she knew the answer to one of them, and when he described to her when it was he realized he loved her she glowed.

It looked so good on her, that glow.

"Max took me to the hospital and got my hand taken care of, then he brought me home. He offered to stay with me but I felt bad enough for getting him out at that hour of the night as it was. I ordered him to go home, and I spent the rest of the night thinking," he locked his eyes onto hers, "about you. About us."

Rick leaned over and gave her a tender kiss. When he pulled away tears were rolling down her cheeks and he edged closer to her. He put his arm right arm around her and pulled her into an embrace. He held her tightly and whispered into her hair, "I swore that night to never hurt you again, and to never let anyone else hurt you. I swore that I would love you like no one else could, and I swore to do everything in my power to make it up to you and give you the love and the life that you deserve."

She looked up to him and smiled. "You've done all of that, Rick." Her right hand gently caressed his cheek. "You've loved and protected me like no one else ever could and I love my life with you." As she leaned in to kiss him she whispered, "I love you."


	8. Chapter 8

Rick sat on the couch in his and Lisa's living room holding Lisa in his arms listening to her inhale and exhale. He did that a lot more than she knew, just listen to her breath. He had moved her into this position after he had finished telling her about his reaction to finding out about her night at the Setup. All in all it went better than he expected it would. She hadn't even lashed out at him for telling her a fib about how he wounded his hand. He was pretty certain she was saving that for future reference. Lisa didn't forget things like that.

Lisa was enjoying the warmth and feeling of security that went with being in Rick's arms. She was relieved when he maneuvered them into this particular position at the conclusion his story. She had watched him intently as he spoke, and the look in his eyes when he told her about how his mind's eye saw her with Kyle was enough to suffocate her. At first she thought that perhaps his heart breaking reaction was as a result of his fear that it had in fact been Kyle, but as he spoke of realizing that it wasn't Kyle the look of anguish in his eyes didn't lessen at all. No, the anguish was there because she slept with someone else…period. And maybe a little guilt…

As she listened to his heart beating once again the tears flowed. She didn't think she had any tears left, but they kept coming. She knew he was waiting for her to say something. They had told each other again that they loved each other and then he took her in his arms. While she appreciated immensely the feeling of his arms around her, she couldn't help but wonder if the change in position was something other than affection, like maybe he couldn't look at her any longer. She mentally shook herself out of that thought. She knew Rick better than that.

She wasn't sure what to do. The only thing left to tell him was her conversation with Claudia after the cab dropped them off at her place. It wasn't a particularly intense or explosive conversation, just a little chewing out by Claudia and a little discussion of the possible ramifications of her tryst with the blond haired man.

_He doesn't really need to hear it do he?_ asked the part of her that wanted to spare him pain no matter the cost to herself.

_Yes he does_, answered another part of her. _He deserves to know it all, just as you deserved to hear it all from him._

She closed her eyes tight, trying to sort it out when his voice broke through the thoughts and told her what she needed to do.

"What happened next, Lisa?" he asked quietly. She opened her eyes as he added, "I need to know."

She resisted the urge to cringe at the calmness in his voice. He was trying very hard not to sound hurt or affected by this night and the rehashing of that night years ago. She wasn't sure she even had it in her to try.

"What happened next," she repeated softly against his chest. She said it so quietly that the sound of his beating heart nearly drowned it out for her so she wasn't even sure that he heard it. "The cab ride home was quiet. Neither of us spoke. I guess what she had to say she needed to say in private, and I quite honestly had no idea what to say." She stopped and realized that she wasn't really sure if she could tell him the rest. She was just about to say exactly that when he, as though sensing her doubt, rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. She smiled at his intuition.

"Claudia paid for the cab and we went inside my house. I tried to tell her that I was fine and that she should go home. I felt bad enough that she had given up her night to coddle me, and she was supposed to go in the morning to visit with Vince and his family in Monument." Lisa laughed as she remembered trying to get rid of Claudia. "Needless to say she was staying and that was it."

* * *

Lisa collapsed face down on the couch and really hoped the headache she was going to have when she woke up wasn't going to be as bad she thought. She knew better though. It was going to be a whopper.

And of course she had to volunteer to be on duty on Christmas Day. Well, why not? It's not like she had any family to spend it with. Claudia usually spent Christmas with Vince and the Trio was always with Rico, Konda and Bron. On the one or two occasions that they weren't with the three Zentraedi defectors, they always tried too hard to be cheerful which really irritated her.

When the duty roster was made up she was still furious with Rick, who had for a couple of Christmases been her company, so that counted him out. Her duty in the morning, along with Claudia's prodding, was part of the reason she had gone to see him earlier. She knew he had the next few days off so she wouldn't even get the chance to talk to him or wish him a Merry Christmas over the tac net. And of course, she missed him so much.

Oh well.

She turned her head to face the kitchen, where Claudia was making some God-awful noises while making some tea. Lisa wasn't really sure if Claudia was being deliberately noisy in an effort to further teach her a lesson, or if Claudia was just making tea and her condition intensified each and every sound making them that much more painful. Probably both.

Lisa winced and moaned loudly when one of the pots that Claudia had no business using was dropped onto the floor making a thunderous noise. _A lesson it is then_, she thought tiredly.

"Sorry," came the obviously unsympathetic call from the kitchen.

A moment later Claudia came out of the kitchen with two steaming cups of tea and some napkins. She placed the cups and napkins on the coffee table and stood over Lisa, trying to figure out the best way to approach the situation. After deliberating for a moment she decided on the soft touch approach. After all Lisa was completely devastated by Rick's actions and perhaps she had a right to get a little pissed. But still, she had gone way too far.

"Lisa…we have to talk about this." No response. Louder then. "Lisa! Come on, we have to talk about this."

Lisa opened her eyes, unaware that she had closed them in the first place and looked up at Claudia. She had her sternest 'you're in it deep' look on her face, but Lisa knew her well enough to see the compassion and even understanding in her eyes.

Knowing that delaying the inevitable would only irritate Claudia, she slowly pushed her self up into a sitting position. She gratefully accepted the tea that Claudia handed her and as the first sip of tea made its way down her throat, Claudia spoke.

"How are you feeling?" Her tone left no doubt that she knew the answer.

"I'm fine," lied Lisa. She took another sip of the tea. It had to be her mind but it actually felt like she was feeling a little better, although tea always did manage to help her when she needed it.

Claudia raised one eyebrow just enough so that it was noticeable to Lisa. "You don't look fine, honey. And I meant how do you feel about tonight?"

Lisa swallowed hard and tried not to think about it, but it became painfully obvious that Claudia had other ideas.

"Do you have any idea how dangerous what you did tonight is? Do you have any idea of the things that could have happened…and might happen?" Claudia looked to the floor for a moment, then looked back up to Lisa with fury burning brightly in her eyes. "He could have hurt you, Lisa. He could have taken you out there and really hurt you."

Lisa opened her mouth to protest even though she knew Claudia was right, but Claudia cut her off.

"And don't give any crap about you being able to take care of yourself! With the shape you were in when you pulled that stunt you couldn't have fought off a kitten!" A tear slipped from Claudia's left eye a worked its way down her cheek. "What would I do if anything happened to you?"

Lisa's eyes opened at the raw emotion in Claudia's voice. She watched her friend nearly fall into the chair opposite the couch and look over at her. Her eyes were filled with tears and she had her hands folded together on her lap.

"Lisa…you, Vince, Jean and Bowie are all I've got left. What would I have done if he had hurt you? I was terrified when we looked to the bar and you were gone." Claudia used one of the napkins to clear the tears from her eyes and just looked at Lisa. "You've helped me through the hardest times of my life, Lisa. I need you."

Lisa felt the sting of embarrassment in her cheeks. She wasn't embarrassed by Claudia talking so openly about their relationship, after all they both knew how much they meant to each other. She wasn't embarrassed by the raw emotion in her voice. She was ashamed that she had hurt her friend by acting so recklessly, and hurt her deeply.

"I know you're right, Claudia," said Lisa softly. "I made a terrible mistake." She looked at Claudia, and when their eyes locked together Lisa gathered all the strength she had left and said, "I'm so sorry." She held Claudia's eyes long enough to see them soften and then she broke down. She hid her face in her hands and cried like she had never cried before.

Claudia was next to Lisa in an instant. She put her arms around Lisa and hugged her tightly, letting her do what she needed to do. Several minutes passed by before Lisa's crying diminished to intermittent sobs, and several more minutes passed before the sobs diminished to a bunch of sniffles.

"I know you're hurting, Lisa," whispered Claudia as Lisa cuddled into her. "You of all people know that I've been there." Claudia hugged Lisa tighter. "But you can't let him do this to you. You can't let him make you do this to yourself. You just can't."

"I can't help it, Claudia. It just hurt so much when I heard him tell her she could stay." Lisa took a couple of shallow breaths. "It's like something inside me just died, and it hurt so much."

"I know," said Claudia quietly. "I know you love him, Lisa, but you can't let what he says or what he does run your life." Claudia gently tightened her hug. "Don't let his actions control you. Promise me you won't let this happen again, Lisa. Your word."

Lisa sat up straight and looked at Claudia. In all their years as friends she couldn't remember Claudia sounding so desperate for her to do something. It didn't help that she was totally right about the seriousness of the situation. "I promise, Claudia," she said solemnly. "Never again."

Claudia could hear and see the sincerity in Lisa's voice and in her eyes. She smiled at her friend and looked at the clock. Realizing the late hour and the fact that Lisa had been through the ringer she said, "You should get some sleep." She stood up and added, "I'll call the base in the morning and tell them that I'll take your shift." She started towards the bedroom but was stopped when Lisa grabbed her hand.

When Claudia looked at her Lisa shook her head, ignoring the pounding in her head as she did so. "No, Claudia. I'll go in. I can't miss work. Besides you, it's all I've got." Claudia narrowed her eyes in argument but never said anything. "Please, Claudia. It's Christmas Day. Go spend the day with your family. I'll be fine."

Claudia still didn't look convinced. "It's Christmas Day, Claudia. How bad is it going to be? You know working Christmas Day is like working the twenty-four hour graveyard shift. Nothing will happen and the girls will keep me out of trouble." She squeezed Claudia's hand." Please…I need to go in."

Claudia sighed. "Well you better get your behind in bed then." She helped Lisa up and when she was upright Claudia hugged her fiercely. "I'm staying on the couch and I don't want to hear a word about it."

Lisa laughed as she returned her friend's hug. "I wouldn't dream of it." She released Claudia and headed towards the closet. "You take the first shot at the bathroom…I may be in there a while. I'll get you a pillow and some blankets."

Claudia nodded and went into the bathroom. When she came out a while later Lisa could see a pensive look on her face though she never made anything of it. She said good night to Lisa and headed for the couch while Lisa went into the bathroom. When Lisa came out ten minutes later, she found Claudia sound asleep.

Lisa stood at the end of the couch and looked lovingly at her friend. "Thank you, Claudia," she whispered. She smiled and went to her bedroom. She changed into a pair of pajamas and sat on the edge of her bed for a moment, contemplating everything that happened that night. She started to feel her emotions rise up in her chest and she shut them down as quickly as she could. Claudia was right that she needed to get to bed. She moved to a sitting position on the bed and pulled the blankets up to her waist. She took a deep breath and lid back onto the pillow, though she wouldn't even remember her head hitting the pillow when she woke the next morning.

* * *

Lisa made her right hand trace random patterns across Rick's chest, letting it slightly distract her. "I felt miserable when I woke up, but I managed to get ready without waking Claudia. I left her a note thanking her for everything and asking her to let me know when she got back from Vince's." Lisa smiled and said with amazement, "I don't when she did it, but she arranged for a jeep and driver to pick me up. He was actually waiting for me outside." It was then that it hit her and she added softly, "I never did thank her for that."

"Then the attack happened. So much for my quiet day," she added ruefully. "After the clean up I was so tired, I just wanted to go home and collapse onto the bed…" She stopped as his hands pressed into her back.

"But I stopped you in the parking lot and ripped into you about not calling me." His voice was venomous and for an instant she thought it was at her because she hadn't called him, but the look in his eyes told her it wasn't her he was angry with.

"I'm so sorry, Lisa." He shook his head as he remembered. He could see it now in hindsight. The resigned look on her face as he all but yelled at her as they stood next to the ship. She stood there and took it without moving a muscle and only just barely blinking. He could hear the pain in her voice as she told him how she knew about Minmei staying with him, and most of all he could see the shattered look in her eyes when she turned and walked away from him as the Christmas lights lit up around the SDF-1. "You were going through…you were so hurt and I did that…I'm so sorry."

"You couldn't have known, Rick." She looked up at him and added, "And I should have called you. We needed you out there…you were right to be angry."

_Poof…you're forgiven._ If only he could forgive himself as easily.

"I went home that night and found Claudia waiting for me in my house. She headed back when she heard about the attack, but I could see that there was something else on her mind besides that." Lisa felt the breath catch in her throat and she couldn't help but cuddle into him more. "Claudia had noticed something the night before in the bathroom. She said she wanted to ask me about it, but she didn't because I wanted to go to work and she didn't want to get me upset or…"

Rick's worry level jumped up into his sinus cavity even as his stomach fell into his slippers. The way she broke off was eerie. He felt her take another deep breath and then she continued.

"She asked me if…Claudia saw that there weren't any…I don't know how to tell you this."

Rick swallowed the lump in his throat and answered. "It's easy. Just tell me."

He felt her tense up as though she were about to receive a blow to the body. "Claudia…she noticed that I didn't have any contraceptives in my bathroom. I remember laughing and joking that I didn't need them because…because I wasn't…well there was no need to have them. I was still laughing when I caught the horrified look in her eyes. She asked if he had used anything and I said no." She fought back the tears that appeared in her eyes, just as she had that night. "I stopped laughing and nearly collapsed when it hit me a few seconds later. I…I don't remember the rest of that night, except Claudia saying that everything would be fine and her putting me to bed. It hadn't occurred to me that I might have gotten pregnant."

_Pregnant_, he repeated to himself. The thought scared him out of his wits even now, years removed from the event itself. Not even Max knew of the agony he went through the day after he found out as he thought about the possible ramifications of Lisa sleeping with the guy. True it had been months after the fact and there was no sign of Lisa being pregnant or sick, but it sill didn't keep him from thinking about it. It didn't keep him from wondering about it. What if she had been pregnant? What if she had been and didn't want the baby? What if she had wanted to keep the baby? What ifs galore.

Eventually, after hours of soul searching and contemplation, he reasoned it out for himself. Lisa couldn't have been pregnant, she wouldn't keep that from him. She couldn't. If she had been pregnant she would have told him. She hadn't told him so logically she hadn't been pregnant. After he reached that conclusion he figured that it hadn't even been a real possibility. Lisa was smarter than that and under no circumstances would she allow herself to be put into a position where an unwanted pregnancy could happen. By the time Lisa got home the next day he had the idea of her being pregnant totally forgotten about. It just didn't seem real.

Now though, hearing the fear and anguish in her voice as she spoke about it, he realized that it could have happened after all. In fact, she was lucky that it didn't happen. They were lucky it didn't happen. His heart sank another few inches into his stomach. Only for Claudia being there, Lisa had gone through the fearful anticipation and the worry by herself. He couldn't imagine what she had gone through. He simply couldn't fathom it.

Rick closed his eyes and wondered not for the first time in his life where Lisa managed to find the strength to go on after receiving hit after hit after hit. He opened his eyes and kissed her hair, resting his lips against the top of her head. It wasn't much in regards to support at a time like this, but he hoped she could understand what it meant. Now he understood why she avoided him for the next week or so.

Lisa looked up at him and his heart broke at the sadness reflecting in her eyes. "Lisa, I'm so sorry." He shook his head. "I seem to be saying that a lot tonight."

She got up quickly and moved to the window, as she had done earlier.

It was still snowing.

Lisa hugged herself and watched the snow fall down. "Claudia wanted me to go and see a doctor right away to get checked over. To make sure I was okay, to see if…but I knew it was too early to know that. As it turned out a couple of days later something happened to tell me that I wasn't pregnant. With everything that was going on I never even realized that it was that time." She turned to look at Rick who had gotten up and stood by the couch watching her. Tears were streaming down her cheeks falling onto her robe. "I was so relieved that I almost fainted," she said hoarsely through the emotion of the memory.

In two steps Rick was to her and put his arms around her waist, gently stroking her back and holding her hands rested against his chest and he could feel the wetness from her tears soak through his shirt and wash against his chest. He felt…he didn't know how he felt. The first and strongest feeling that hit him was guilt. He could not deny his role in everything that happened to Lisa. He couldn't deny that his ignorance, his blindness, his inability to believe that Lisa had feelings for him, his inability to realize how much she meant to him, and his infatuation with Minmei all caused Lisa to suffer. Rick Hunter never hated himself before in his life as much as he did at that moment.

She cuddled her face into his chest and tried to stop crying, succeeding a few seconds later. "I…I went to see him…the guy."

Rick's jaw muscle tensed and he took a slow, deep breath to keep the hatred he had developed for that person in check.

It didn't go unnoticed by Lisa either. "I went back to the Setup and talked to the waitress who was there that night. She knew who I was talking about right away. She said he was a kind, soft-spoken man who talked to her a lot that night. He told her that he had recently become single and didn't have many friends or any family around. He told her was that he had recently moved to New Macross from New Detroit and worked at the protoculture factory."

She paused for a moment and continued. "I went down there to find him…to apologize for what I did and…well just to say I was sorry." She closed her eyes as she remembered. "I walked into the factory and ran into one of the managers who I knew. He had been the liaison between the SDF-1 and the factory from the beginning so I worked with him often. He asked what I was doing there and I told him I was looking for a friend. He had just asked me who when there was a loud commotion. It was a party actually. We walked over and saw what looked like an impromptu bachelor party going on. The manager explained that one of the guys had just recently gotten back together with his long time girlfriend and they had decided to get married." Lisa looked up to Rick. "It was him."

Lisa saw the surprise in his eyes and cuddled back into his chest. "Alex, the manager, explained how his girlfriend had left him for another woman a week before Christmas. He was really hurt by it, and I guess that's why he was at the Setup on Christmas Eve, for the same reason I was. He came in that morning and announced to the factory at large that his girlfriend realized she had made a big mistake and came back to him, and that they were getting married."

Lisa smiled against Rick's chest. "Alex was very happy for him, saying he was the nicest guy he had ever met and he deserved to be happy. He did look very happy and I didn't want to remind him of something he might have regretted so I left without saying anything to him, and I never saw him again. I couldn't even if I wanted to." Her smile faded. She took another breath and whispered, "He died in Khyron's last attack."

Rick closed his eyes, suddenly feeling sympathy for the man who just a few seconds earlier he despised with all of his being. _Cruel times_, he thought morbidly.

Lisa leaned back to look at him. "I wanted to see you, so badly." Her left hand came up to caress his cheek. "But I knew you were with her and I couldn't bear to see that." Lisa slipped her arms around his waist. "I'm so sorry, Rick. You must be so hurt…" It was just barely audible.

Rick released her and put his hands on her shoulders, looking her directly in the eyes. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for, Lisa," he said forcefully. He let his grip on her shoulders loosen and his voice softened. "My feelings for you never changed, with the exception of getting stronger. They didn't change when I found out the night John told me and they didn't change when you told me a little while ago. Like I said, nothing will change how I feel about you." He was happy to see understanding in her eyes at what he was trying to say.

"If anything I should be apologizing to you for being an insensitive jerk," continued Rick. "I honestly don't know why you still love me, or why you never gave up on me. I don't know how you could ever forgive me for doing what I did to you."

Lisa opened her mouth but no words came out. What could she say to that?

Rick brushed the tears from her face with his thumbs and sighed. "I've caused you so much pain and grief, while I was home with Minmei." He saw the stab of pain in her eyes and he stopped before he said anything else. He had always feared her asking about what he did during that Christmas, but he realized now that that should have been the least of his worries. He should have worried for her instead of worrying about her.

Besides, now he had a gut feeling that she knew a lot more about his Christmas than she let on.

"You had a wonderful Christmas, Rick," she whispered, confirming his thoughts. Her right hand reached up to touch his cheek as she added, "As you should have…as you deserved. I can't fault you for that. You were happy to have Minmei with you and you know what, knowing that you were happy helped…a little bit." She smiled a wry smile.

"I deserved to have my ass kicked," said Rick not all that jokingly. "I'm so sorry."

"I never gave up on you because I loved you, Rick…and I still do. I always will." Lisa smiled genuinely for the first time in what seemed like ages. "I'll forgive you if you forgive me."

He smiled back at her. "Deal."

He hugged her to him, tightening his embrace around her waist as her arms slipped up around his neck. "I'm so glad we talked about this," she whispered. "We needed to do it, didn't we?"

"I think we did," he whispered back. "It's been hanging over us for so long. I mean we were fine I think, but imagine how fine we'll be with it out in the open."

She leaned back and laughed a very short laugh. She was definitely feeling better about it all and it was showing. She felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. "Since when did you get to be so sensitive and understanding?" she asked teasingly.

He smiled at her tone. She looked like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. He responded with, "It's been an agonizingly slow process, but it started the day you came into my life."

She laughed again and kissed his nose. "Suck up."

He nodded eagerly and looked to the clock. "It's late, Admiral. Maybe we should head to bed?"

She nodded and led him into the bedroom. They stood by the bed looking into each other's eyes for several moments. Finally Rick, without taking his eyes off of hers, reached over and undid the belt to her robe. He opened the robe and slipped it down over her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor.

His hands reached up and cupped her face and she brought her hands up to hold his. "I love you so much." He said it like a man whose life depended on her believing what he was saying. It did.

Her eyes bore into his, green meeting blue setting off a two-tone fireworks display between them. For the first time that night Lisa felt a warmth spread throughout her body, the chill caused by those terrible memories finally vanquished. "Show me, plea…"

He kissed her with a passion and was immensely pleased when he had to tighten his embrace around her waist when her knees buckled slightly. She recovered quickly and began to give as good as she got, even better. Their lips craved each other and only milliseconds passed before their tongues began searching for each other as well.

He gently pushed her back onto the bed, and when they both landed safely he moved his lips from hers, letting her take in the air she needed. His right hand snaked under her pajama top and gently rubbed across her abdomen as he kissed her right cheek, and kept kissing, making his way to her jaw, then to her ear and onto her neck. He just placed a kiss on her collarbone when she said seriously, "Don't think that I've forgotten that you lied to me about how you hurt your hand."

He stopped cold, his lips frozen onto her collarbone. Her words were like ice-cold water being dumped on top of his head, and other places, and he wasn't sure if he was in trouble or not. His lips moved a fraction of a millimeter but it was enough to make her body tense underneath him, and that was when he knew she was fooling around with him.

It was so good to know that after the exhausting, terrifying and serious night they had spent they still loved each other so much that nothing really changed between them.

Well, if that's the way she wanted to play it…

His lips formed a smile against her skin, and before she could ask him what he was doing he clamped down and sucked very hard on the skin covering her clavicle.

"Rick!"

He looked up to see the smoldering look in her eyes, then down to see the fresh and rather bright mark on her neck.

"I'm so going to get you for that," she said menacingly, "starting now."

With that she pulled him up to her and kissed him deeply driving all of the mischief and humor out of him.

She did get him back…several times.


	9. Epilogue

EPILOGUE.

Admiral Lisa Hayes stood in the cemetery on the outskirts of Monument City, her car waiting at the entrance. It was a nice day, especially for the first week of January, so she had decided to walk in from the main gate. She stood in front of a particular grave and held in her hand a single red rose. She found it odd that the headstone she had come to visit was the only one not totally buried in snow. _Maybe he's been waiting_, she said to herself in a brief introspective moment.

It had been a week and a half since she and Rick got out from underneath the albatross of that terrible Christmas. With everything that they went through though, with all the heartaches they had relived, with everything they had resolved there was still one last piece of unfinished business for her. This was long over due and this was the first time she had the will and the strength to do it. Most importantly though, she had the support she needed from Rick.

She looked at the headstone and forced herself to smile. "I never had the chance to apologize to you for that night. I came to find you, to say that I was sorry for what I did, for what I pushed you into. But you were happy and I didn't want to intrude on that."

Lisa looked around and sighed as she realized the enormous number of headstones in the cemetery, a good many of them compliments of Khyron.

"I also need to thank you," she said as she turned back to the headstone. "You could have, well you could have taken advantage of the situation. You could…you had the opportunity to do a lot of things. But you didn't. You were kind and you were gentle. You were what I needed for that one brief moment, and for that I will be forever grateful."

She bent down and laid the rose at the base of his headstone. She looked at the rose after she stood up and whispered, "Rest easy, and thank you." The sun glistened off the top edge of the polished marble and Lisa couldn't help but genuinely smile.

She nodded once, turned around and walked down the gravel driveway towards the car. She looked up as she neared the entrance and saw something that made her smile widely, and before she knew it she was running, straight into Rick's arms.

He picked her up and hugged her tight, letting her feet back on the ground a few moments later. He kissed her tenderly and then asked solemnly, "Finished?"

She took his arm and led them to the waiting car. "Yes," she said quietly as she hugged his arm. "That chapter in our lives is finished. Let's go home."

THE END.

* * *

This time that's it. Thanks to everyone who read it, and thanks to everyone who took the time to review it. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

DWP.


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